heartless | dreamnotfound

four

| graphic
descriptions

she screams in agony and pain, blood gushing from her immense wounds that were warm with heat. her cheeks were cold and purple, she claws at my chest desperately, nails scratching into my flesh as she attempts to plead for her life. her neck begins to spill out, i feel my eyes grow wide as her mouth pours pools of blood that run down my shirt like spilled wine. she leans on me, her eyes rapidly looking across my face for any sign of compassion but none ever showed. 

"i-i love..love" she manages to get out, as she drags her hand over her neck, hands drowning in the sea of red as she holds in her own organs just so she could speak to me in a plea so i could save her life.

guilt. guilt. guilt. no. 

no guilt. the voices in my head were screaming i couldn't stand to watch her suffocate on herself. "no" i shake my head, raising my voice. "no you don't!" i shouted, feeling my own face grow warm as my palm clutches onto the blade and stabs through the pulsating flesh repeatedly, i stare in her eyes watching as life bleeds from them. the metal object clashing through her bones and blood as she lost her breathe, her life being swept away in a second. but yet i continued to slaughter her, the pain built up in my adrenaline. i heard the crows crawl into my skull as i pull myself off her; finally dropping the sharp object. 

i can't find my stance. i don't question what i did. i know what i did and i claim i don't feel bad, trying to convince myself to run away yet the memories purge through my brain. my throat goes hot and my head goes dizzy, i cruse under my breath and feel my back hit the wall i wasn't sure what i was escaping from but for the first time in a long time i felt my waterline build up with salty tears that poured from my eyes and lead down my cheeks, my palm curling into a fist as i beat my head over and over, watching the earth around me shake and crumble. i was so overwhelmed and riddled with emotions i felt as if i was a ticking time bomb.

i sob, dragging my hands down my face. i smelt her blood, i felt it. i vomited all over myself and fell onto my back, i had wounded my hand in the quick actions. "mariah..?" i speak, casting my eyes on her body that was pushed on the side, her insides still spilling onto the hardwood floors. i couldn't bare to look but something inside of me was screaming to look at what i had just done and when i did i began to register that i had murdered my girlfriend, the thought haunted me, i could smell everything. it made my throat twitch and ache as my heartstrings were tugging at emotions yet i felt detached. 

i had once done this before but it was an accident and this, this was intentional i was fully aware. i am fully aware, i sit for long, too long trying to brainstorm on how to handle this situation and to contain my emotions when finally i stand, knees wobbly and hand twitching as it seems i have injured myself. 

it would be easy to hide her body and completely wipe her existence since her family passed when she was young, putting her in foster care till she aged out of the system and changed her name when she met me. it almost felt too easy. 

i tore my shirt off and slipped my pants off leaving me in my undergarments as i leaned over her lifeless body that lied dry, clutching around her wrists and perfectly placing her body snug into a rug where i rolled it up tightly then grabbed a bag and threw a bunch of clothes and necessary objects inside, zipping it up rapidly before putting on a clean shirt and pants and washed all the dried blood from my hands, fingernails then face. i poured a bottle alcohol all over my skin and hands for precaution before proceeding.

it was late at night, giving me a chance to sneak her body out of our apartment, acting as if it was an old rug i purchased long ago i tossed it inside the dumpster around the building, hearing the sounds of her head smacking the metal made my brain swell up, it was terrible. i lived in discomfort. after,

i threw everything in the home away, photos, food, cleaning products, toiletries. everything. leaving the place to look empty beside the furniture which wasn't much but a bed, a couch and a dining table. i had the solid plan to just leave and head towards England where my hometown lies. no one really knew me here in Florida i only came here to escape from my family but i see myself crawling back just like how i said i wouldn't. 

my backpack only consisted of clothes, my passport, some money, cologne, a few beers and some cigarettes along with my phone. i seemed prepared although my thoughts weren't, i tossed the bag over my shoulder and glanced back at the apartment where i had lived for years. the kitchen i had planned to grow old in and the living room where i wanted to see my kids running around and the halls where the bathroom steam always slipped from under the door and tickled the fire alarm. the little things sparked up my emotions.

i loved my home only because it was mine but it was no longer. the innocence of the walls were stolen; ending in the rooms to feel as if they were useless and traumatized from the recent events.

stay safe n protect yourself !