heartless | dreamnotfound

five

the night was long, terrifying. my brain lived with a haunting face constantly taunting my every waken move, i saw her everywhere i have gone. the taxi, the streets, the airport, the airplane and now the roads of england. she was reminding me of what i had done to her and that i wouldn't get away, actions always have consequences; she told me that everyday of my life as a reminder to not do something stupid, who knew that after years of being taught to not make a dumb decision to make one. does that make me human? i ponder , eyes casted down on my hand. there was a deep slash sliced through my skin. i liked the feeling, every time i reached for something or held something the pain squeezed around my nerves. it was overwhelmingly good. 

i didn't want to patch it up nor did i wanna not see it, it was mesmerizing. "are you okay sir..?" i hear the soft concern in the woman's voice that sits next to me, its late at night and im sitting at a local bus stop, awaiting for my ride. her doe brown eyes look me up and down, i shy away my hand, my eyes immediately growing at the small child sitting on her lap, curiously looking around with innocence. "yes." i cough out, pretending to be interested in the cloudy night. 

"are you from around here?" she continued, i found myself annoyed with her presence despite her friendly intentions. "yes—" i start with a simple answer before the young baby purges all over her nice blouse, she gasps at the vomit that lands on her cheeks, mouth turning in disgust. "can you please hold her for a second?" she mumbles holding her in the air, she wiggles her toes and giggles at what she had just done. her face is chubby and adorable, i hesitated though. i didn't trust myself to have a hold of such a fragile human yet i didn't want to be rude seeming her struggle.

i wrapped my fingers around her itty torso and held her onto my own thigh, she squirms and i can feel her chest heave before she fusses for her mother. "im so sorry" she chuckles lightly reaching into her bag to grab a wipe, she begins to clean herself up. i tense up, i haven't held a baby before. my hands swallowed her body and i kept my grip to ensure her safety, her cries emerging towards light giggles; her mother laughing at how i was reacting to her child's behavior before gently taking her from my hands, using a wet wipe to clean her own tiny hands and lips up. "do you have children of your own?"

"no" i whisper.
"any young family members?"
"no. only child. no aunts. no uncles" 

"oh im. im sorry" she sighs with a frown, she showed sympathy for my pathetic life. i grew up alone. always alone. mariah was all i had, we had met in a bar in england. it was her eighteenth birthday and she was drunk, i fell in love with her from the spot. she convinced me to get out of this town, abandon my shitty life and start over in america so we did exactly that just to be set back to square one.

alone. 

"i should just walk home..the bus wont be here for a few hours" she decides, she must've been here a while before me and i was too jacked up on adrenaline to even register. "it was nice talking to you–" her words trail off slowly. i wasn't sure how to break down conversations, and how to respond but i was sure this was the part where i say my name but i didn't know if i wanted too. she rounded up her bag and hung on tightly to her daughter that was seeming to fall asleep against her shoulder, soothing over the process; simplifying it. 

i zip open my backpack quickly and reach my hand inside, rummaging around to search for a weapon. eventually coming across a small blade, "take this." i take out my uninjured hand while she turns around. a smile growing on her face as she reaches back and slips it into her opposite hand. "george." i nod, reverting my attention towards the ground. fingers curling into a fist. "thank you george." she says softly before walking along the sidewalk and eventually disappearing into the night.

i sit alone once again, the bus was meant to be around early morning and frankly i didn't want to wait that long yet i had to choice. i didn't even know where i was going i was just. going. i didn't have a plan other than to visit my father that lived close by but i was dreading that although hes all i have left. we didn't exactly leave on great terms considering how i fled the country with a girl. hopefully we could discuss it but i wasn't sure what to ever say to him. 

i look down at my hand, the cut is steep; pulsating almost. it was best for me to get it fixed soon to avoid infection even though i had bigger problems to focus on. my eyes flutter as i watch the empty streets and street lights flicker occasionally, no one seemed to be out this late at night. i reached down into my open bag and pulled my phone out, the screen flashing me the time and background photos of the morning skies in florida over the ocean water. 

i gasped trying to think properly yet there was no way without my mind being so swollen to the point of disturbance, my heart rate picking up as i felt my insides twist and suddenly my nose fills with the retching smell that i caught earlier that day, i went to go stand on my legs but they seemed to not work. i was frozen in my seat, eyes batting close. head spinning into a state of exhaustion. my thoughts being consumed into a sleepless mindset.