a reason to smile // seo changbin

chapter four

stay away

moon jieun - friday

"please make sure you have all three pages done by next class..." the professors voice trails off as i exit the classroom, trudging down the hall. i couldn't sit there for another second watching mr. lee and jiyeon eye-fuck each other.

"jieun! wait up!" felix's voice echos through the hall. i groan, i was hoping he wouldn't follow me. "you okay? you seemed annoyed in there." he questions. i scoff.

"i'm always annoyed." i tell him, picking up my pace. but felix keeps up.

"well are you joining us for lunch again? changbin-"

"no." i deadpan.

"but changbin-" i stop walking.

"look, felix. i don't mean to come off rude, i'm just not the type that makes friends. i don't sacrifice my alone time to be with people who won't remember me in a few months. so it's nothing against you, or any of your friends. it's just not something i do." my tone was harsher than i wanted, but i didn't know how else to get him to understand. i thought i'd been clear enough, ignoring him for the whole class.

"i... o-okay... sorry." felix stutters. his usual bright smile faded only slightly. if i was capable, i'd probably feel a little guilty. "get home safe..." he nods at me before walking off, not sparing me another glance as he exits the building.

a sigh escapes my lips as i adjust the straps of my backpack. i continue my way down the hall, going out the same door felix went out moments before.

up ahead i could see him with his friends, his usual smile back on his lips. and for a moment, i was glad that he didn't let my words get to him. i don't believe other people should suffer just because i am.

that was part of the reason i'd always thought about not being here. just taking myself out of everyone's lives. i couldn't offend anyone unintentionally, i wouldn't waste anyone's time, or money. yet, i wasn't ready yet.

small things holding me back, like waiting to see all the leaves fall from the trees. feeling one last cold winter, maybe even seeing one last snow. maybe then i would be ready. it felt selfish, so every day i felt myself getting closer to it.

"jieun?" a familiar voice calls. i barely turn my head to catch a view of the person.

"jisung? what do you want?" i question.

"a-are you alright? you're crying..." his voice was cautious. i blink a few times, suddenly aware of the wetness on my cheeks. i quickly wipe away the tears, sniffling before i respond.

"i'm fine."

"everyone's favorite lie." he pulls his lips into a thin line. "i wanted to apologize." he changes the subject.

"you don't have to." i start to walk away.

"i'm sorry." he blurts.

"really, it's fine." i turn to face him, his expression looking rather desperate.

"i just don't want you to feel like you don't belong. i get protective when it comes to my friends. so i'm sorry." his words seemed to have struck a cord in my brain. no one had ever said something like that to me, it felt insincere, but i could tell he was being sincere. it was a strange feeling. "you're crying again..." i sniffle, wiping my eyes roughly.