a reason to smile // seo changbin

chapter nine

a change in the weather

moon jieun - wednesday

"baby, wake up." my fathers voice fills my ears paired with a light hand on my shoulder. i hold back a grimace as i force my eyes open. "i just wanted to let you know, school is cancelled today." he tells me.

"what? why?" i frown, hating when my usual schedule was interrupted.

"the snowfall closed all the roads." he motions to my window, and sure enough, i could see the bright white snow, coating the trees. oh... "your mom and i are downstairs making breakfast." he adds.

"can i join you later? i want to go out and see the snow." i tell him with a fake smile.

"yeah of course, just don't stay out too long." he nods, patting my shoulder before promptly exiting my room. i drag my gaze back over to my window, seeing a thick layer of snow sitting atop everything. i hadn't even been paying much attention to the forecast, despite somewhat waiting on the snow. it always came around this time of year, in the middle of november, just before december.

if there were any remaining leaves on the trees, they were surely gone now.

i climb out of bed, throwing my hair into a messy bun as i quickly search my closet for a jacket and some comfortable sweatpants. throwing them on, along with the hood of the jacket, and the first pair of shoes that i could find. as i go to pull open my door, i stop, my mind wandering back to that stupid book that i just couldn't get out of my head. so i decide to grab it from my bag, securing it between my arms before heading out into the snow.

it was just like it had been every year, thick, bright, and cold. the sight of the empty street paired with a few snow-covered cars was peaceful. hearing small crackles of tree branches that had almost too much snow for the branch to support. and in the distance, i could just barely make out the sound of children having snowball fights. quiet screams of joy, and laughter.

i make my way down the covered side walk, the crisp sound of my footsteps in the snow became the only thing i focused on. and before i knew it, i ended up in the park. the same park that i met changbin. where he somewhat changed my perspective of the story.

i sat down on the bench with a huff, taking in my surroundings. it was exactly what i expected, peaceful, and calm. just like it always is. i don't know why, but i was expecting to feel something else. as if waiting on the first snowfall of the year would change something. as if it would be different. it was honestly a little underwhelming.

maybe i expected a wave of nostalgia. thinking back to how i would always play in the snow as a kid. how mom and i would build the best snowman, and how i would always kick my dad's ass in a snowball fight. as much as i hated to admit it, i was hoping this snowfall would give me a reason to stay.

but it was doing quite the opposite.

reminding me of what is no longer, and reminding me that nothing changes. time passes, but what once was, will never be again. i felt stupid, waiting for the impossible. a sign, anything to stay. but there was nothing. and for a moment, i was disappointed.

but, then, i felt peace.

it could be over.

i almost feel a smile tugging on my lips as my cold fingers fiddle with the pages of the book. i eventually find the paper i stuffed inside yesterday, folded up, cold to the touch. i slowly start to unfold it, the words i wrote just yesterday becoming clear to me once again.

the difference between you and me.
it's almost crazy,
insane it should be.

where you find life,
in run-down shacks.
i find death,
wishing my name on stony plaques.

they say you're doing better,
is it really that easy?
well, i'm just waiting,
hoping for the cold to freeze me.

"and you told felix you didn't like to read." a gasp leaves my lips, jumping in shock as i whirl my head around, only to be met with changbin's soft eyes. "sorry, i didn't mean to scare you." he chuckles. i quickly fold the paper up, shoving it back into the book without saying anything. "can i sit?" he asks.

"sure." i mumble, dusting some snow off of the bench next to me.

"did you write that?" he asks as he sits down.

"write what?" i question.

"that poem." he states, pointing to the book.

"no." i lie.

"well it was pretty good. a little morbid, but good." i almost scoff.

"that's probably the point." i tell him.

"you think so?" he cocks an eyebrow. i only nod in response. "i don't know, just seems a little dramatic."

"it's real." i retort. changbin widens his eyes for a moment before pulling his brows into a furrow.

"you sure you didn't write it?"

"what are you doing here?" i change the subject, allowing my gaze to meet his concerned one.

"i was on my way to jisung's. he's not really a fan of this kind of weather, so i wanted to check up on him." he explains. must be nice.

"not a fan of snow?" i question.

"just brings back bad memories." he shrugs.

"well i love the snow." i sigh, almost letting a smile tug at my lips.

"i gathered that." he laughs. "just don't let it freeze you." to my complete surprise, he presses his hand over mine, my eyes widening in shock from not only the contact, but the warmth. changbin smiles warmly at me as he flips my hand around, placing a warming pack into the palm of my hand. he then gently closes my fingers around it, placing my hand back into my lap. i was in utter shock, not used to anything like this. i was completely speechless. "you can thank me later." he remarks. "they said it will be safe to resume classes tomorrow."

"o-okay..." i stutter, still having no idea what to say. the warmth of the heating pack was slowly spreading through my body, making me feel more in the moment. i couldn't explain it.

"so you can thank me over lunch." he smiles one last time, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder before standing from the bench. "i'll see you tomorrow." he bows, and without another word, he was walking away. my mouth was slightly open in shock, brows furrowed as i watched him walk away until i physically couldn't see him anymore. he was gone, but the warmth was still here. i couldn't form any coherent thoughts, except for one.

he had just given me a reason to stay.