Things I wish I could tell my friends

To N

To N:

You were there for me at some of my lowest moments. You were my friend when all of my others had gone. I was your friend when you had no one else, I was your friend when you needed one. And now, you have found new people, and we are drifting apart. And I am left to wonder, did you only love me because you had no one else to love? Did you like me because I was there and convenient? Did you ever really like me at all? I think about these things every day, without fail and without cease I think about you. Now that I'm writing it's hard to think my thoughts, hard to communicate them. But when I am alone they drown me, they drown me angrily. Sometimes I think about the lies I caught you in, the little ones that I'm not brave enough to confront you about. You say you can't spend money because you're saving for a vacation. So you can't go with me to the Mall, and then I see your story, and you're at the Mall with her, and not me. And I wonder what course would our friendship take if I asked about those little lies. Would you lie to explain them away? Would I believe them? Would I not believe them and accept them anyway? Because you are all I have left, you are the only one. And if I lose you I have nothing. So I will do anything to make you stay, even if it means ripping my heart into multiple little pieces, and folding them into pretty origami shapes for you. So you don't have to see their true form, so you don't get uncomfortable. Because I am a very uncomfortable person to be around. I'm bad at making conversation, I never know what words to say and when, and I never know what to say to make people like me. Do you like me? I can't escape the feeling that you don't. That you only hang around with me out of pity, now that you have better friends. I see the way you are with her and I'm so jealous, because you used to be that way with me. But not anymore

-C