Things I wish I could tell my friends

Dear T

Dear T:

You were my best friend, my light in the darkness, my twin flame for 8 long years. And yet, you hurt me. You hurt me so bad I think about you and it plants an ache in my chest so fierce it almost knocks me over. You kept secrets from me, And lied to me, and you replaced me. You hurt me so badly. And I can't even tell you because I don't think you meant to, or you did. I can't really tell. I'm bad at things like that. I remember that one day, when we had plans to hang out after school. You cancelled halfway through the day and left me without a ride home. That was fine, I told myself I would find some other way home. I would occupy my time. And then, I saw you walking with L, and they told me you two were going home together, to hangout. After you had cancelled on me. We were supposed to be closer to each other than anyone else. And you kept secrets from me, you kept secrets that distanced us from each other, when you didn't have to at all. You avoided me for weeks, and I didn't know why!! Do you realize how badly you single-handedly wrecked my self esteem??? I thought it was my fault. I thought I had done something wrong and you were ignoring me for something I had done. You ruined me. You are the reason I have attachment issues and you are the reason I can't trust anyone. And I hate you a little bit for it. I hate you for killing that part of me that would trust my friends blindly. I became someone else for you, I had to lie to keep you. I had to have your interests to be friends with you. So I lied, and I kept them. I don't know what about me makes me such a terrible person to be around, I don't know why whenever someone gets to really know me they leave me. But I wish I could fix it. I wish I could fix me. No matter how long we go without talking, or the length of time you ignore me, or the size of the hole you tear in my heart. I will always go running back to you. And I hate myself for it a little bit

-C