Things I wish I could tell my friends

Words

There are so many words in me, they long to get out. They crawl up my throat and tangle in my mouth, in my fingers. Glowing letters just asking to be sent. For the press of a button. They want to be know by the world. In all those words is just a person who wants to be known. Who wants to know and be known in equal measure. I want to show someone all my thoughts, and my words, and my worst worst parts, and I want them to understand. When I do bother to tell my friends, to show my friends. They don't understand, they never understand. Because the only way I can talk to anyone is through poems, I send someone a poem. I send someone a prayer "understand" it begs "see this and understand" but no one ever does. When poems don't work I desperately want to tell someone, in words. Words words. Plain as day, no way to be misconstrued and no fancy language to overcomplicate the simple. I want to say "I'm this close to giving up, I am so lonely, some days it feels as if there is a creature in my chest squeezing my heart whenever I think of you" all of these things I want to say, but I never do. Never ever. I type the message. Then I delete it. Because what happens every time is I remember when I was younger; and softer. More vulnerable to people, more empathetic and more willing to help. I remember how she would take on other people's burdens. I remember how she would hear their plights and help them. I also remember how much it hurt her, and she promised to herself. She would never become someone who hurts another like that. To unburden herself only to load the weight onto someone else, and leave them to struggle. She always did it with a smile on her face. I never want to be the reason someone smiles without meaning. Never. I just. I want, i want I want I want I want I want I want i want I want I want I want I want I want. I want so badly. I want for everything. And it is humiliating, it is embarrassing to want for so much and to be denied even more. One person, one person would be enough and I would be happy. Someone who sees me someone who looks and me and sees me, all the things I've hidden away from view. I want someone who sees. God I want so badly, so badly. I want my mother to love me more than my brother, I want her to avenge me. I want her to stop being such a pushover when it comes to him. I WANT HER TO HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL THE THINGS HE DID TO ME THAT WERE PUSHED UNDER THE RUG SO EASILY. ALL THE ABUSE HE NEVER GOT PUNISHED FOR I WANT HIM TO SUFFER I WANT HIM TO SUFFER THE WAY I SUFFERED FOR SO LONG I JUST WANT HIM TO FEEL THE WAY HE MADE ME FEEL. I want my father to stop yelling, I want him to stop being so angry, I want him to stop making me feel so afraid and small to be around him. I want someone to love me most, irrefutably. I want someone who if they were in a room with everyone they've ever loved they would run to me first. Is that so wrong of a thing to want? To be someone's favorite person?