The Rantings Of A Mad Woman

Night 5

(Warning: Sexual Assault triggers, arson, slight degradation towards myself. This is not for the faint of heart or easily disturbed. Stop reading if you are having trouble since there is no need to subject yourself to suffering or flashbacks if you have already gone through something similar in your life. There are always more stories. You've been warned.)

As each day goes by, my nightmares seem to be becoming worse, and occurring more frequently. Please allow me to briefly explain what I am about to say. A teenage male who was more focused in his experimentation than the feelings or well-being of others, sexually assaulted me many years ago. You'll know him as J.H. in this story. This dream happened when I was a teenager. I had found a loving kind prince who cared for me deeply, however, because of my fears and insecurities I was afraid he'd leave me. I feel myself to be damaged goods and deep inside the fear he will soon see what I have seen in myself continued to echo; impure. This story I feel reflected and fed off that fear of mine. Please don't worry, this was a piece of my past and while I still deal with the scars and triggers, I have come to embrace it as it was required for me to grow and learn quickly.

We begin this story with me buying a small house, a lovely cottage for my fiancé and I, as we were to be together, I wanted to give him a home for us to reside in until our last breath. All of a sudden, he calls me on my phone and coldly says "Weddings off. Sorry." and hangs up. My body got cold with goosebumps. Time had frozen around me, while the pain in my heart throbbed continuously. I felt my heart break into a million pieces, I had just bought a home to spend the rest of my life with my significant other, and now he's gone. After a long time to regain my surroundings and recover from the shock, I saw that it was getting dark, so I headed inside the empty house.

I decided instead of moping and weeping for a man who I cherished, I started decorating the house with little pink butterflies, elegant Funiture, and placing small knickknacks into shelves to distract myself from the pain of heartache. Suddenly, in my quaint little house of mine, the bedroom door made creaking noises. Thinking that someone was inside the house, I quickly headed towards the cracked open door. I entered slowly and took a look around the room. Something peculiarly odd is sitting at the foot of my bed. A doll. More importantly J.H as a doll. Immediately I was unnerved and threw the doll away, but somehow it kept coming back to me. It was everywhere!

I sold it to an old man in a pawnshop, left it at an abandoned building, I even tried throwing it in a lake. The old man gave it back without a word and left. The doll was mailed back to me but there was no sender's name but the same address of the building I left it at, and when I came home from the lake, I found the doll was back on the foot of the bed completely dry. I had enough and decided to start a fire. I chained the doll up to a log in the fireplace, lit the deed to the house and let the papers light the wood and the doll into the flames.

I watched it burn until the fire grew big and bright and smoke filled my lungs. My vision becomes blurred and the next second, I was chained up to the log in the fire, I was the doll and j.h was grinning as he watched me writher in agony. I swear I felt the biting flames eating away with me. All I could do was watch; it was terrifying. He was always there, and he played with me once again.

Soon as I realized I was weak, I had lost. He knew even though I could speak out a say "Enough." I wouldn't. I was a child; I wasn't to know about sex or pedophilia. When he laid his eyes and hands on me, I should've said "No" it echos in my brain over and over. I'm so fucking naive, stupid, and weak that I let him play me again and he enjoys it; the power. He loved knowing he'd never be caught because I for one didn't understand what he was doing was wrong.

"A little girl should be playing with dolls" He would tell me and mindlessly I agreed, as he experimented on me, I was his first. I should not be wondering if a trusted person was going to defile me at that age. You'd never see what was coming. "If only I had known and opened my eyes, and I wouldn't have these things happen to me..." or so I thought.

I wake.