I'm begging you to

Chapter 1 - A dream

This is for my fridnetha crew and my future wife. I love you so much. Thank you for inspiring me daily❤️

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"I wasn't ready for this. For you. For you turning my whole world upside down. I tried to fix my marriage. I really did. But I can't anymore. I just can't. I don't know what to do anymore. And yet here I am with two children from this man, wondering if I ever truly loved him at all.. I thought this was all I ever wanted. But I... I don't know. And yet I have to stay with him. I have to try. I can't do this to my children."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because every time I just mention him, you flip out lately."

"No, I don't!"

"You're doing it right now."

"Just please leave it, okay?"

"Look, I'm scared. I'm dead scared to lose you. My heart couldn't take it. I love you so much it hurts."

Silence. Until the woman opposite her spoke up.

"I love you, too, Agnetha. More than anyone else on earth. Just not like that. I gotta go."

-

Agnetha woke up with a jolt, completely wet with sweat and breathing heavily. There it was again. The nightmare that seemed to haunt her for years now. She cursed it and everything that reminded her of that one person. She wanted to forget her. She wanted to erase her from her mind and everything that had to do with her. Why did she have to suffer so much? What had she done to deserve this? She had even stopped listening to the radio out of fear that she would hear her voice. Eventually she had even stopped listening to music at all, because even that reminded her too much of the past. Nevertheless, she still sang. Even though it kind of healed and broke her at the same time. Her dreams were always the same. This woman telling her she didn't feel the same, telling her she was leaving because she didn't care. Her actually leaving. London.

Since she left, they didn't have any contact. Not a single word. Not a letter. Not a phone call. How could this fiery red-haired someone just forget her like that? She had definitely long forgotten about her and here she herself was, dreaming about her almost every night like a fool. A poor little fool she was. Okay, yes, she also dreamt about the other Abba members occasionally. But in a different way. Every time the phone rang or whenever she emptied her mail, very deep down she secretly hoped it was from her. The worst part was, that she was aware of that wish and cursed herself for it every time.

It's not going to happen. They will both probably never cross their paths ever again and maybe it was for the better. It's been years now. You are pathetic, Agnetha! She told herself over and over again. Spending so many thoughts on a person who couldn't care less. She might as well be missing or dead, if Agnetha didn't see her face in a newspaper from time to time. Although she tried to avoid it, she did take a look sometimes. Just a tiny glance. Just to make sure she was all right. And yet every time she did it, her heart dropped and she felt like throwing up. It drove her completely insane and she felt like she was losing her mind. Was everything they had just been a lie? A "fling" that didn't even matter? Agnetha had found a big part of who she was because of that woman. She had realised that - although she didn't want to admit it to herself for a long time - she was one of those women who liked women in a way she was not supposed to. So she was sick. It was a disease. Was this woman the reason she lost her mind or had she already lost it before she came into her life?

Suddenly a headline popped up in her mind she kept reading about herself whenever she walked past a Newspaper shop "Is Agnetha Fältskog going insane?" Maybe they were right after all. She knew these feelings she had towards women, had to remain a secret she would take to her grave. And even if one day she would be old and grey, and the world different - It was too much of a risk. No one would ever know about it. No, no one could know!

But enough of that. Like every morning, she forced herself not to think about her anymore even though she knew she would do it again. But It was over. She had no more interest in her. Abba too was long over. She didn't owe her anything. And this person definitely didn't deserve to own such a big part in her head, in her heart.

Besides, there was Helena now. No, that was a fortnight ago. What was her name again? Margareta. Exactly. A few months after Abba was finally over and everyone went their own way, she had started doing this. On the weekends and those days when the children were with their father, she had decided to go out and have some fun despite the fact that she always used to dislike that. She told herself she was only doing it because she was young and single (most of the times) and there was no reason why she shouldn't do it. As long as no one would know about it. She always made sure that these women either didn't know who she was or didn't want to blow their own cover. Some of them were married themselves. But in fact, this was just another desperate attempt to forget these auburn hair, the green eyes, the soft hands, the light sandalwood scent...

Officially, she had only been single again for a short time. It hasn't been anything serious though. Somehow she always managed to find a man who fell in love with her and she played her part. Luckily, she loved acting and was quite good at giving the public and the media what they wanted. She knew what it meant to be professional. It was what she had been doing for half her life. She despised the life in the limelight. But there was no going back. And on some days this fake world seemed to crumble a little. And her soul got extremely tired. She longed so much for a time where she could just be herself. Without having to hide, without the constant fear that the media would eventually find out. If that ever happened, she would have to lock herself up completely in her house until the end of her days. And even though she swore to herself that she wouldn't do THIS any more. She always did it again. It was a bit like smoking. Once you started, you couldn't stop. And just when the pain became too great and the thoughts came back flooding her mind, there seemed to be no other way.

She would see Margareta again this night, after spending some time in the studio. She liked Margareta. More than the others before her. There was something about her... But for now she had to focus on her solo career. On her second album. Through her songs she tried to process her feelings. That was what made it so good. It was like a diary. And although she didn't write most of them herself, she always described exactly what she imagined to the songwriter. The feelings, the words. The lyrics meant a great deal to her. Sometimes she wrote individual sentences herself, that she really wanted to have included in the song. It was important to her to only sing songs that she understood, that spoke from her soul. That were her. And maybe... maybe she would hear it... and she would know. Agnetha wondered, if her songs would ever stop being about this woman.