I'm begging you to

Chapter 9 - Flashback (1983)

This chapter is dedicated to the love of my life❤️ my wonderful girlfriend🐬

------------------------------------------------------

Flashback (1983)

Agnetha was restless. She had already been lying in bed for hours. It was a hot summer night, but her room still had a warm yet pleasant temperature. So that couldn't be the reason for her Insomnia. Through a small broken spot on her shutters, some light came from the street lamps and the moon. The moon always reminded her of Frida. Far away and cold. As cold as she had been the last time she saw her. Whereas actually everything reminded her of Frida since she had left a few months ago. Agnetha turned to the other side as if she wanted to quickly get rid of the thoughts of this woman that kept haunting her.

Except for the crickets and a few cars that rolled by from time to time, it was very quiet. And despite the hundredth roll to the side, she was still wide awake. She felt sort of empty and nervous at the same time. Although there was no reason to be nervous. She was nevertheless. And even though she hated it deeply, her thoughts kept always wandering back to her. Every single night.

She didn't know whether she was disappointed, sad, confused or just angry. And then there was always this other feeling. This feeling that had no name, no classification. Where deep down Agnetha was very well aware that it had been there from the beginning but she had chosen to ignore it or deny it or simply not see it as anything important. Or maybe she had simply been afraid it would change or ruin something between them. Now she turned onto her back, although she never actually lay like that, and stared at the ceiling.

It was dark but slowly her eyes got used to the darkness. Just as she had to get used to many other things, she didn't have a choice. Frida had not asked her for a second what she would think about it. She was never asked. She just had to go along with the others. She narrowed her eyes. Don't beat yourself up by repeating the same thing over and over in your head every night, she tried to tell herself. But if only her thoughts would listen to her. It would make things so much easier.

So she tried to concentrate on something else. She let her mind wander. Back to the day when they recorded "I do I do I do I do" in a meadow in mid summer. She didn't know why she suddenly had to think of that. Maybe it was the smell of summer that was creeping through her window even now. And she almost... but only almost thought she could remember Frida's smell. Mingling with the fresh air and the flowers.

She remembered how they sat there for hours. How Frida touched her on the shoulder and leaned towards her. There had been no script. As so often. They were just supposed to look into the camera and sing. And yet, all at once, she remembered that she had felt the urge to look at Frida. And tell her with a smile what words could not. And she thought Frida had understood.

A sigh came out of her mouth. That day seemed like many many years ago. A different life. So much had happened since then. Far too much. Agnetha turned her head sideways to the small clock lying on her bedside table. She could just make out the numbers. 2:25 in the morning. She let her head fall back on the bed and closed her eyes. She put her hands, which until now had been beside her body, on her stomach. Then she saw the meadow in front of her again. The white and blue dress and the reddish brown hair.

She blanked out everything else. The music, the boys, the cameras... In her mind it didn't exist anymore. Only her and her best friend. Suddenly she became very aware of the feeling of the skin of her own hands on her naked belly. More aware than ever before. So intense. It made her hair stand on end and gave her goosebumps even though she wasn't cold.