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Chapter 11 - Unspoken Words

Agnetha woke up with a strange feeling like she was standing next to her body. Her head was throbbing and her eyes were burning. Had she only been dreaming? Where was she? She slowly tried to open her incredibly heavy eyes and grabbed her head. The floor was hard and while she tried to move, her whole body ached. There were long patterns on her arm that she knew immediately were the marks of her clothes pressed into her skin while she'd been sleeping on it. She was lying on the carpet in the living room and had fallen asleep. And next to her - the telephone receiver whose cord stretched worryingly far and would probably soon give way if she didn't put it back on the phone on the table.

Her eyes fell on the clock. It was afternoon. She was still completely beside herself and decided to make herself a coffee first. Then she realised what she had just seen. It was afternoon. And it was Monday. She was supposed to pick up her children at Björn's place. As if struck by lightning, her heart began to beat and a rush of adrenaline shot through her body. It was her day to have them, and now she was running late.

Rushing through her house, Agnetha hastily got dressed and grabbed her car keys. She needed to make up for her mistake and get to her ex-husband's house as quickly as possible. Thoughts of her kids waiting for her, feeling abandoned and worried, raced through her mind. Guilt consumed her, and she berated herself for not setting an alarm. But how could she have done that. She could no longer remember how and when she had fallen asleep. Nor could she remember what had happened after the phone call.

There it was. The phone call. She had obviously not had time to think about it because of the shock. And now was certainly not the right moment. So she tried to push it away. If there was one thing that was incredibly important to her, it was being a good mother and being there for her children in all this mess.

As Agnetha pulled into Björn's driveway, she saw him waiting at the door with a disapproving frown on his face. She could tell he was irritated, and who could blame him? This wasn't the first time she had let the kids down and she very much dreaded the conversation that was about to unfold. His new wife Lena was nowhere to be seen.

"Finally, you're here," he said curtly as he opened the car door for the kids. "What took you so long? Did you forget about them again?" Linda was already 12 and Christian 8, and although they were no longer toddlers, Agnetha knew that they still needed their mother.

Her face flushed with embarrassment and exhaustion. "I'm so sorry, Björn. I overslept. It won't happen again. I promise."

He looked her up and down, noticing the fatigue etched on her face. Concern softened his features momentarily before he spoke again, this time with a touch of bitterness. "I don't know what's going on with you or what you're up to. I don't care either. But I do care about our children. "

Those words stung like a dagger to her heart. Deep down, she knew he was right. She had been struggling. For years now. And although by now she was very much aware of what was bothering her the most, she also knew that she couldn't let it show. She could not and must not share it with anyone. No one could ever know about it. Especially not Björn or her children. If he knew what kind of double life she had been leading for years just to avoid having to deal with her deepest feelings. If he knew what kind of night she had had. A night that changed so much but at the same time everything was still the same.

Agnetha tried to swallow hard. She didn't want her ex-husband to see like that. She needed to be strong for her kids, even if she felt like everything was falling apart right now.

"I'm trying, Björn. I really am," she managed to say, her voice trembling. "It's just... everything has been so overwhelming lately. I'm doing the best I can."

He sighed, his frustration evident in his voice. "I know. It's not easy for us all, Agnetha."

She nodded, her heart heavy with the weight of his words. She couldn't let her own struggles get in the way of her children's well-being.

As she drove away, she couldn't shake off the guilt that lingered within her, but there was also a small voice deep inside her that was relieved that she could now spend the days with her children and not have to confront herself with the phone call. At least not yet.

-

As Agnetha had spent the last week with her children, she had found comfort in their company. They were a welcome distraction from the turbulent thoughts swirling around in her head. But now that she was on her way to drop her children off at their father's place, that familiar feeling rose up in her again. She knew that every additional kilometre she drove also meant that she was getting closer to the moment she was dreading. The moment when everything around her would become quiet and she would have to think. When she was no longer able to suppress her thoughts any longer.

She also knew that she now had a few days off before her next TV interview. It would take place in Belgium. This time she was flying. Not on the way there. But on the way back. And although she had an incredible fear of flying and always preferred the car, bus, train and boat, but this time the flight was not what she would most like to avoid. She knew the presenters would ask her about Abba. They always did.

Normally she would have called Margareta or one of the others right now to distract herself. To give her thoughts something else to do. And to satisfy the desires in her body that she wished she didn't have. But ever since the phone call happened, she had not wasted a single thought on Margareta or anyone else.

Driving away from Björn's house, Agnetha found herself on a familiar path, heading towards her favourite salon. The salon that has been responsible for many of her hairstyles. A mix of nerves and determination coursed through her veins. She knew what she needed to do. She needed a change. She had to remove and cut off everything that was still weighing her down. She had had very short hair before. And although her hair wasn't particularly long right now either - at least not as long as during Abba - she had the acute urge to shorten it even further.

Deep down, she had perhaps also thought or hoped that Frida would call again. That they would continue their conversation and talk about everything that had remained unsaid for years. Everything she had kept in for so long. But she had not called. And somehow Agnetha had expected that. And she thought she might not mind any more. But she did. Very much.

As she was now sitting in her chair waiting for her transformation, she was looking at herself in the mirror which reflected a reflection she had grown accustomed to over the years. The stylist who was now standing next to her and had pulled her out of her thoughts listened attentively as Agnetha explained her desire for a drastic change. He even asked her several times if she really wanted to cut her already short hair even shorter. But she was quite sure.

As the first locks of hair fell to the floor, Agnetha could almost feel a small weight fall from her shoulders. After a few hours the stylist was finished and Agnetha started to gently graze her newly cropped hair with her fingertips, and she marvelled at the sensation. She looked at herself in the mirror once again and saw a reflection that was undeniably different, yet undeniably herself.

Leaving the salon, Agnetha took a deep breath. She knew that there was more behind the decision to cut her hair. As if she desperately wanted to proof to herself that she wasn't bound by the past, by the expectations of others, or by the unspoken words between her and Frida.