I'm begging you to

Chapter 7 - Flashback (1982)

At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this flashback that early since there will be many more, but after the last one and like for general understanding, I thought it was actually perfect now. I hope you like it xx

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Chapter 7:
Flashback (1982)

„I‘m going to leave for London tomorrow.“

Agnetha heard the words as they came out of Frida’s mouth, but she did not understand them. Didn’t want to understand them. They both faced each other at a distance in the long hallway of Agnetha’s house. The absence of Linda and Christian, who were fortunately with Björn, seemed to make the house even more quiet. Especially when no one was talking. Frida’s words almost echoed through the room.

„What?”

“I’m going to move. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? Why? Why didn’t you tell me?“

Frida seemed so cold. So incredibly cold and rigid. She didn’t even look her in the eye, her hand still on the door knob as if she couldn’t wait to leave. To leave her. At last. Indefinitely.

“I’m telling you now.”

And still no emotion in her voice. As if none of this was any of her business and left her completely unaffected. As if she didn’t care at all. After everything. After all the years they’ve been through. She was her best friend, wasn’t she?

“Abba is over and we both know it. So what’s keeping me here? I want to try to record another solo album in London.”

So what’s keeping me here? Agnetha repeated in her head. These words seemed to drive a knife into her heart and she could not explain why. Why did she feel so betrayed? So abandoned? Frida didn’t owe her anything.

“How can you just stand here and say that? Like it’s nothing?”

Her voice began to tremble. With pain and anger boiling up inside her. But Frida remained silent.

“You have changed”, Agnetha continued “What has happened to you? First it started when you became so dismissive towards me. You wouldn’t even look at me. No... And then.. Then this hairstyle. I hate it. The first time you wouldn’t let me dye it. And-”

“Now you’re being silly.” Frida interrupted her. She tried to force a smile onto her lips but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Silly?” Agnetha’s voice faltered and without wanting to she noticed how her vision became blurred and her eyes began to burn. She did not want to cry. And certainly not in front of this woman who didn’t seem to care about anything. Now that everything seemed to be changing and she needed...wanted her more than ever before.

Frida had long since figured out what was happening here. What was happening to her. And ever since she found out there was a name for it and what humanity thought of it, she had changed. She had tried to turn herself inside out. To even cure herself at one point if there even was such a thing. To tell herself it’s not that. And that her marriages hadn’t been a lie. That she had really loved these men. And maybe she did love them.

She knew now that all these years she had endured the fear of being with the wrong person, because she actually couldn’t cope with the fear of being wrong. But all this only became reality when this blonde woman entered her life. With those blue eyes. Much too blue. She had prayed and hoped every day that Agnetha would never find out. She knew she had to protect her. Even if it meant breaking herself. But she knew that if Agnetha understood... The meaning of every touch, every visit, every word... then it would also destroy her life and she couldn’t let that happen. That was why she had to go. And she couldn’t show Agnetha why. Never.

“The way you started avoiding me at all cost. It killed me. I still don’t understand why...”

Agnetha’s voice pulled Frida out of her thoughts. This voice that she couldn’t get enough of. This angelic voice that made her forget everything, even when she was on stage. Almost hypnotic. As if it robbed her of all her senses like everything else about her. But now this voice was full of pain and it cost Frida everything to keep up her façade. She could not give in now. She could not break down now. For her. Agnetha took a step forward, hot tears now rolling down her cheek. She noticed Frida wincing slightly. And another step.

“If you won’t talk to me at least look at me.”

But Frida had still turned her head slightly away.

“LOOK AT ME FRIDA.”

“Don’t come closer. Stay away from me. I warn you.”

Frida’s voice was sharp and hard. She stretched out her hand in front of her so that Agnetha would not come any closer.

“What have I done to you?”

“Everything.”

Although they were not touching, Frida could feel the ground shaking slightly under her feet due to the trembling of the woman in front of her.

„I messed it up with you.“

“What?”

“Never mind. I should.. I should go now.”

Looking back now it had taken Frida far too long to figure it out. What a fool she had been. How she was longing to see her, how she always noticed her. But more than anything she noticed her absence on the days she wasn’t near. And she didn’t know why she was doing it or that she was doing it at all. How it was her she wanted to run to whenever something had happened. How she treated every of her words as if it weighs more than anyone else’s. How she would follow her to the end of the earth without ever admitting that her feet were moving. And that everything she ever wanted was standing right in front of her now. And she knew that if she looked at her now or even touched her, her plan would not work.

“Don’t go.”

“Don’t. Don’t do it.”

And for a minute that felt like an eternity, Agnetha’s sobs were the only thing that could be heard. Then she opened her mouth.

“Can you...?”

Agnetha started but she couldn’t get the words out. She had the feeling she was about to drown. In her thoughts and feelings. Inside a black hole.

“Can you... hold me. Just... one more time?”

Although Frida had not told her anything, Agnetha could sense that when Frida left this room now, she would not see her again for a very long time. She didn’t even know if she would ever see her again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that Frida was bitterly serious. And although she had been so angry with her a few minutes ago, she would have given anything to be able to fall into her arms right now. She wanted to beg her. Throw herself on her knees.

“Please.”

The word was no more than a breath. But that was all she could produce. She found no strength for more. Her head was completely empty and yet there was this one thing she knew for certain. If Frida would just leave now, she would go mad. She didn’t even have the strength to explain her feelings and desires to herself at that moment. She didn’t question anything and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want anything else. No. Anyone else. She just wanted her to stay. Was this how it’s supposed to feel when you die and see your life pass by? But for her it was only the green eyes, the fangy laugh and the brown-red hair that she saw.

“Frida. Please.”

And for a second Agnetha thought she saw Frida’s façade crumbling. As if deep inside there was still the Frida she knew. The Frida she’d been missing for a while now. The woman in front of her lifted her head and looked her in the eye for the first time that evening. And in a trembling voice she said,

“I can’t.”

Turned around, jerked the doorknob and walked out the door. Before it slammed shut she breathed

“I wish that I could love you less”

But Agnetha had not heard it.