Whispers in the Pages

Diary entry 58

November 20, 2019

Dear Diary,

It's been two weeks since I've been confined to this hospital bed, and I can't begin to describe how much I hate the gloominess that has taken over our once happy lives. Taehyung has become so silent, hardly speaking anymore. He takes care of me with such love and tenderness, but his eyes have lost their sparkle. They used to be so full of life, and now they seem empty and lifeless.

He doesn't talk much now. He feeds me with his own hands, gives me medicines on time, help me change my clothes and takes me to washroom when I need..... he is there beside me.

He is not just there with me.

I have lost my Taehyung. The Taehyung beside me is not the same boy I fell for. His beautiful brown eyes have lost all it's mischief and playfulness. The bright twinkle got replaced with blankness. It's like he has forgot to smile, to laugh.... It hurts me so bad, Diary.

I can't even hold him and tell him that it will be alright because I am not sure myself.

I can't hug him and let him cry his heart out because I won't be able to witness that. I will lose my shit. This heart which is somehow beating inside me despite its worsening condition will explode with pain. His tears will take away all my strength and I'll give up.

I still prefer dying than watching my Taehyung cry.

I long to hear his laughter, to see his beautiful smile, but it's been weeks since he last smiled. I know he's trying to be strong for me, trying not to show his fear, but I can see it in his eyes, in the way he holds back his tears. I wish I could take away all his pain, but I'm the cause of it, and that breaks my heart even more.

My colleagues come to visit me often, trying to cheer me up with light conversations and teasing me about the days when I used to have a secret crush on Taehyung. It would have made me blush and laugh like crazy in the past, but now, I can't find it in me to respond with the same enthusiasm.

I am happy that Taehyung has a friend like Jimin. He is always there for him. The thing that I should have been doing for him, It's Jimin who is doing that. He is taking care that Taehyung take care of himself. I know he is keeping Taehyung mentally strong through this hard time.

My parents visit regularly too, and it pains me to see my mother cry. I want to scream in frustration and helplessness, knowing that all my loved ones are suffering because of me. Taehyung, however, somehow manages to comfort my mother everyday and convince her to go home and rest.

Taehyung is truly an angel in my life, and I feel so lucky to have him by my side. I wish I could have more time with him, to cherish and love him like he deserves. But the doctors have become silent, and the medicines can't keep me alive much longer. There's still no donor, and even Mr. Kim's efforts to find one in other countries have been in vain. Fate seems to be against me, and it's becoming harder to hold on to hope.

I don't want my last days to be like this, filled with worry and fear. I want to spend every moment I have left with Taehyung, cherishing our love and making beautiful memories. It hurts me to wake up in the middle of the night to find Taehyung crying beside me. He sleeps in the same bed as me now, despite the nurses' objections. His pecks on my forehead and his whispered declarations of love are the only things that bring comfort to my soul.

I don't wanna imagine how Taehyung will keep going once I am gone. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't have proposed him to marry me so soon. He would have moved on if we were just boyfriends. Everything happened within a year. We fell in love, we confessed, we became boyfriends and then we married..... all within a year.

Back then, it didn't feel like it is so soon but now, when I am sitting here at the death bed, I feel like I should have waited a little. It's not like I am regretting anything. Falling for Taehyung and marrying him have been the best decisions of my life. I am lucky that I got a chance to be loved by someone as angelic as my Taehyung it's just that moving on for Taehyung will be harder now.

I don't know how will he cope up with it.

After giving his everything to me, It won't be easy for him to move on. If I was in his place, I know I would have not survived in his absence if he left like I am doing. I wonder how it would have been if my love was one sided.

I would have loved him with my everything. Cherished the moments I would have got to spend with him, loved the idea of him existing, dreamt about a happy life where Taehyung would have been. Taehyung wouldn't have had any idea about anything and it would have been so easier for me to die.

I wouldn't have been scared for Taehyung.

But then, all those beautiful days we spent together? I wouldn't have got to live them. Ah! I am greedy, Diary, to have Taehyung all to myself. I This selfishness is scaring me. I will leave him and then..... he will move one day, eventually.

Five years.

Ten years.

But he will. My Taehyung will belong to someone else then.

I don't wanna think about it. I am overthinking, Diary, I should go now, but I promise I'll come back if I get another day to live which is quite unlikely.

If I don't get to see tomorrow, Dairy, then this is my final goodbye.

Why am I getting emotional in bidding you goodbye? Why suddenly have you become something so precious to me? I want to thank you, my dear diary, for listening to me and keeping all my secrets safe. Please do one more thing.... when Taehyung come to you one day, tell him that I love him so much.

Tell him that wherever I am, no matter which world I belong to, I am still thinking about him. I am still as much in love with him as I was back then when we were in Busan or Daegu.... or maybe even more than that. Tell him I still hear his giggle, that I still hate tears in his eyes.

Please tell him to smile for me.

With trembling hands and a heavy heart,

Jungkook