Nothing's Fine

• 32: Constricting •

 "Charlotte Elizabeth Ross is that you?" The tiny woman in front of me asked. I cringed at the sound of my full name in use.

"Yes," I said, trying to stand a little taller and not look like a deer caught in headlights. I was so caught off guard with the slew of emotions that naturally came with seeing the woman who'd abandoned me years ago.

There was the obvious and extreme anger for abandoning me in such a dark time; for blaming me for what happened. Sadness for hurting me right down to my core. There was concern for her frailness, the way she swayed as she pulled a flask out of her purse and took what I imagined was definitely not her first swig. And the tiniest piece of me was relieved to know she still existed after all these years.

I wasn't sure what emotion to focus on or what to feel.

"How long has it been?" she asked casually. I glared at her. That was all?

"Long enough," I said coldly. My mother – if I could really even still call her that – frowned. "I can't do this right now Irene," I sniffed, brushing past her. The shock on her face when I used her first name was evident.

"Wow," she huffed incredulously. "I haven't seen my child in years and she'd rather parade the streets with a boy than talk to me for five minutes."

I froze mid stride, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I clenched my fists and spun around to face her.

"You lost the right to call me 'your child' when you abandoned me months after my father's death," I spat. I watched as her expression shifted into anger and surprise before turning around again.

Mason put his arm around my shoulders protectively and we started to walk away. I could see the car come into view as I heard her heels clicking against the pavement behind us.

"Charlotte!" she called. "Charlotte!" I bit my tongue, fighting the urge to angrily tell her I go by Charlie. But I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of hearing me speak again.

As we approached the car, my knees began to buckle; the adrenaline wearing off. Mason opened my door and I sat silently in the passenger seat. I faintly heard him close my door and get in on the drivers side, but was lost in my thoughts as I stared blankly out the windscreen.

I couldn't believe she thought she'd just be able to talk to me as if I'd gone on vacation for a couple weeks. It was absolutely ridiculous. And somehow she wanted to spin it all around to be my fault for not wanting to engage in small talk. It was always my fault with her.

My throat felt tight thinking about my mother. Those words that seemed forever etched in my brain echoed in my mind yet again.

"You're a pain in the ass and a burden to this family. I don't want you around. Pack your things – I want you out of here in a half hour. I can't stand the sight of you anymore. It's all your fault and you know it. You're a poor excuse for a girl."

I could feel my chest constricting and it felt more difficult to breathe. The words spun around in my mind and I could almost see the incident happening again.

I heard a car door close, pulling me out of my thoughts. I didn't realize we had pulled over in a more residential area until now. As I bit the tip of my thumb attempting to catch my breath, I watched as Mason crossed in front of the car and was on my side. He opened the door and effortlessly scooped me into his lap. I clasped my trembling hands together and rested my head on his shoulder.

He stroked my hair soothingly, and somehow I managed to calm my breathing a little but I felt myself still trembling. I glared out the window, my eyes landing on a tree that seemed so much scarier and unfamiliar in the night.