Nothing's Fine

• 70: A Break •

 "So why are you listening to sad music at home and not at school?" Lorraine asked me lightly. She was firmly planted on my bed, waiting for a reply. I gave her a half-assed sour look and she gave me a sheepish grin.

"I needed a break," I replied vaguely.

"From what?" Lorraine pressed, no longer teasing me. I sighed realizing she wasn't going to let it go until I shared something with her. I turned the music down slightly.

"Life. Everything has been so hard lately and I think I'm just screwing it all up. So I took a break. I can't screw things up if I'm not there."

"I'm sorry that everything's been so hard lately..." Lorraine said. "What do you think you're screwing up?"

"My friendships, my relationship with Mason... and I know your mom said I'm part of this family, but it can't be easy having the problem child here since day one."

"You're not –"

"I am." I interrupted. "I'm the problem friend and the person who always has something bad going on. And I'm not saying this to throw a pity party for myself. I just know that I don't... I don't make it easy to love me... So I'm taking a break. Or rather, I'm giving everyone else a break."

"Charlie, you are very easy to love," Lorraine countered softly.

"If that were true, my own mother would have kept me," I said.

"Can I be honest?" Lorraine asked. I nodded. "She sucks for that. That was a genuinely shitty thing to do and there's no excuse in the world that is good enough to explain it." I laughed slightly at that, but was very pleased to hear it. It felt like no one had validated that feeling until now. "But, I will say that she had her own issues going on. Deep down I think she loves you despite what she did. And we love you. Your friends love you. Mason –" Lorraine insisted.

"Hasn't said it yet and he shouldn't," Lorraine gave me a look. "I-I mean no one should. You shouldn't either."

"Charlie –"

"Everyone I love leaves. They change their mind, they find a better option... or they die." It tumbled out of my mouth without me being able to stop it and the weight of the word sank into my stomach. "Everyday I'm terrified," I whispered, not meeting her eyes.

"No one in this family is going anywhere," Lorraine said.

"For now..." I mumbled.

"So, you're going to hide in here and push everyone away while you wait for the other shoe to drop?" she asked softly. I could tell there was no malice in her voice. She was just asking.

"The other shoe always drops. And besides, it's better for everyone," I said. "It's easier to feel it at a distance if he changes his mind. If you all do."

"It won't be," Lorraine argued. "It's not better for everyone. It's not better for you."

I glared down at my hands. Maybe she had a point, but things felt heavier than I could properly explain to her.

"I'm scared to let myself love him." I wasn't sure I'd said it until I saw the surprised look on Lorraine's face. Her expression softened and she took my hand gently.

"You deserve to love fully and let yourself be loved fully. The memories are that much more special when you let people in... regardless of what happens after you do. You deserve to feel that joy and to feel that spark – even if you're scared."

Lorraine squeezed my hand softly and I finally met her gaze.

"I mean it," she said. "You deserve good things."

The resolve in her voice made me want to believe it. I just hoped I could and that it would be true. I just hoped that I wasn't under some curse and things would maybe one day be fine.

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! A new one will be up next week! What do you think will happen next?