Her Therapist

Chapter 45.

Esther

Does that mean I should date? I should go out with Andrew? Is that even a date, then? He mentioned something like free coffee. And getting to know me, duh. Why all of the sudden he wants to get to know me?

Why do you want to get to know Sebastian?

Well...

Because you like him. Andrew likes you.

I don't like Sebastian. And Andrew doesn't like me.

When will you just admit to yourself?

And what do I get with admiting it? Pain, nothing else.

Relief.

Relief. I indeed feel as if i have a burden on my back, on my...heart. As if my heart's been carrying some kind of rock on it, trying so hard to survive.

If I admit to myself that I might have some feelings toward Sebastian would that make it easier or even harder for me? Because each time I'd see him I'd have to remember the tiny place I have, and I keep saving it for him in my heart. My heart would beat stronger every time I see him, every time he accidentally (or not accidentally) touches me, each time he would try to make me realize that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.

I can't. I just can't. I shouldn't. But then again, this seems to be a bittersweet kind of pain. Not as sharp as I got used to feel. Maybe I need this sort of distraction so I can finally get used to feeling less depressed and monotonous. If my heart skipping a beat each time I see Tomlinson's messy hair can save me from an abyss I jumped into, then I guess it is what it is. I like Sebastian.

But hell, what do I do with Andrew? How I kindly tell him to...piss off? I guess, I just tell him. How bad can it be? I'll tell him first thing in the morning. Unless, he and I can be friends. I've never really have a friend except, you know who, I don't want to go over that story again. But, friend or a boyfriend, I still have to show him something I'm not. No, no, Sebastian said no pretending. And from now on, I listen to Sebastian.

I decide to prepare myself small and poor dinner, and take that bath I promised myself this morning when I was leaving. The minute I get out of the bathroom, there's a knock on my door. I just know who it is because it's not that hard to guess, giving that only one person knows about my current address.

I even dare to hesitate for a second, I consider an option not opening him the door, but then again he never should have given this opportunity to me, to live here, when instead he could have said that wasn't his problem and leave me on street. He didn't do that. So, neither should I.

I take a deep breath, and strangely (or not so strangely when it comes to him lately), I take a glance at the mirror just to know in which kind of disaster my hair and whole appearance is. It's not that bad, I conclude, giving the fact that I've just washed it thoroughly.

"Hey!" His wide and white smile appears as soon as I open the door, and I can't help but smile a little myself.

"What a strange fact that you're here, huh?" I enter the room without taking too many glances at him.

"Um, yeah. I brought dinner." He shows me the bags, and I'm quick to take them from his handa.

"You shouldn't have. I'd cook something."

"No, you wouldn't. You would just fall asleep with an empty stomach."

"Well..." I decide to be honest, shaking my head. "You know I wanted to...to begin to date someone. Is that...Is that an option?"

I turn to him, making sure not to break the plates and utensils that I'm placing on the table for us.

"Um... I don't know." He glances away, faking a cough.