Changing Kitty

Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

It had been a month, or so Kitty had been told. She didn’t notice the time passing. February brought rain and severe frost. The weather complimented her temperament perfectly.

Her grandmamma had arrived three days before followed by her Uncle Daniel, Aunt Jane and Sabine. Her cousins Philip and Louis, like her brother Henry, were both away at Eton.

She’d been a little more mobile. She’d been bathing regularly and permitting one decent meal a day to be delivered to her. She hadn’t been hungry but she had to eat for the baby.

She hadn’t been anything. She didn’t know how she felt anymore. She just felt empty. She didn’t know what to do or say to anyone. She didn’t know whether she was supposed to go back to her normal routine whilst wearing mourning clothes or whether he was supposed to stay shut in her bedchamber and wallow for the rest of time. She liked the idea of the latter.

Kitty sat in her bed and rubbed her hands absently over her stomach. Every so often her baby would move and it let her know that she would not always be alone. She didn’t know how she was going to be a mother when she felt the way she did. She would be entirely responsible for a little person and she could barely take care of herself.

“One day I’ll tell you about your papa, little one,” she said softly to her stomach. “I’ll tell you how he saved a silly little girl and helped her become a woman.”

How was it fair that she only got one night with her husband? Horrid married couples in London got years detesting each other. She only got one night in a loving and faithful marriage? What wrong had she done? Yes, she had flirted and teased but she had never lost her innocence. She had never ruined herself and she loved her family above anything. She was good.

William was the most honourable man she had ever met. He’d done everything to protect her. He’d done everything to protect anyone. He’d served in the navy and led a noble life. How was it fair that he died?

Of two things she was absolutely positive. One: she would never love again. Nor would she ever marry. She did not care what Commander Gates said, she would remain a widow for the rest of her life. Her grandmamma had been a widow for thirty years after all. Two: if her baby was a boy, he would be named for his father. ‘William’ was a good, strong name. It suited the man it had belonged to and it would suit her baby should he be a boy.

It struck her that she hadn’t heard anything from William’s parents. She would have thought that they would have visited or at least written. But then, she thought, they would be grieving too. They might want to do it by themselves.

There was a knock at Kitty’s door and her grandmother entered slowly.

“Good afternoon, dear, how are you feeling?” she asked softly.

Kitty didn’t know why they asked her this, the answer didn’t change. So instead she answered “Fine.”