𝗗𝗜𝗚𝗜𝗧𝗔𝗟 𝗦𝗜𝗟𝗘𝗡𝗖𝗘 - 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗹

Afraid

TW: discussions of child abuse and heavy implications of r@pe.

Did not proof-read OR grammar check this and wrote it all on my phone, which is a culture shock. If it is literally unreadable, that is very likely but very annoying for you lot, so sorry in advance!!

After he left The Winter Soldier behind, James told himself time and time again that he would not lose himself in anymore fights.

That there would not be a before, there would not be an after, that there would just be the fight, and it wouldn't be catastrophic enough to have categories.

He told himself he'd remember what he did. He would not be blinded by rage.
He would not blink and then suddenly be surrounded by bodies.

However, facing John Walker in that abandoned warehouse in Latvia, James is starting to feel a little less sure of himself. A little more like he might lose his mind in this battle.

As always, he promises himself he won't. He focuses on Sam's steady hand, the brave determination in his eyes, and he reminds himself that he is a hero now. If he loses control now, he'll be no better than John Walker. No better than all the monsters that made him.

You are OK. You are alive. You are not The Winter Soldier anymore.

That's a little reassuring. James tries to keep his head in the game.

At first, it goes as well as it can. Walker is angry, outright humiliated, but James can work with that. He knows that Isabell hates Walker, wants to tear him limb from limb, but he's not actually a bad person. Just heavily insecure. James knew men like that in the army. Willing to push around and bully others for any chance to gain a little bit of power.

Besides, John Walker cannot fuck with his head. He didn't program him, torture him, rewire him, so James doesn't think he needs to be too worried. It is all caution and fists, staying away from the line of pushing things too far.

Walker has a head full of fury, vision clouded by embarrassment and regret. James is thinking straight.

He has the upper hand.

Surely.

Definitely.

At the beginning, that is certainly how it feels. James is strong, he has Sam and Isabell fighting with him, and blood spilt doesn't hurt him like it would anyone else. It is only once he has to look Walker in the eyes, try and wrestle that shield out of his hands, that it all starts to fuck with him a bit.

Steve's face flashes in his mind. His voice, his smell, the white-toothed sharpness of his smile, and James has to blink the thoughts away frantically. Fighting John Walker is like fighting a demon wearing Steve's skin.

James' grip on his control starts to slip. Against his own will, he is pulling his punches, deliberately avoiding Walker's face, because every time he feels his fist against it, all he can think of is Steve.

It isn't loosing, but it's starting to feel like it, and Walker is only getting angrier. He throws James to the ground, cracks his head against the stone, and for a second, he's paralysed.

Still, James convinces himself to stay in place. Think straight.

C'mon. You've made it this far, can't give up now, gotta get the shield off him. It's Steve's, Walker doesn't deserve it, and if you can just—

And then Isabell screams.

Looking back on it, it is more out of fury than pain, but in the moment, James only hears danger. He hears something he worked years to get out of her, to reassure her about, to recover her from.