Stoned & Crazy: A Bruno Mars Fan-Fiction.

Stoned & Crazy #11: Two Idiots And A Drain

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a million years lol. College is hard ya'll and what has Bruno done for us lately? Waiting for album 3 is becoming unbearable tbhhhh. This whole thing is just random as hell lol. But, whatever. I hope you guys like this story.  ♥

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(Bruno's P.O.V.)

"BRUNO, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Ryan yells as he stomps down the stairs. "Ryan, what the hell do you want? I'm trying to make an album here." "Bullshit, you haven't wrote a song in weeks. Now, do you see this in my hand?" He holds up a clump of hair. "Yeah....what of it?" "I've told you repeatedly to stop leaving your hair in the fucking shower drain!" He throws it at me. I jump up. "EW! That's not my hair, it's probably like Jessica's pubes or something." "Bruno, I know it's your hair and there's plenty more of it in the drain so GO FUCKING CLEAN IT SO I CAN TAKE A SHOWER!" He shouts. "Make me." I cross my arms. Ryan comes toward me, picks me up and throws me over his shoulder. "NO, NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN, PUT ME DOWN!! I'M 30!!!" "Then, start acting like it!" He starts walking to the bathroom. I kick him repeatedly. He throws me in the tub. "OUCH! YOU FUCK, THAT HURT." "Stop being a baby and hurry up because I have to get in my 4 O'clock wash, rinse and repeat before my date tonight." "You have a date tonight, with who? Is it a man?" Ryan punches me. "OW! STOP BULLYING ME. No heterosexual male says things like "I gotta get in my 4 O'clock wash, rinse and repeat."" "Um, I do." "Because you aren't a heterosexual male." He shoves my hand in the bathtub drain directly into the ball of hair. "EWWWW, OH MY GOD." I scream. "Tell me more about how much of a heterosexual male you are, Bruno." "Fuck you, Ryan." I try to yank my hand out. "SHIT." I keep trying to yank my hand out. "RYAN, MY HAND IS STUCK!" "Karma's a bitch dude." Ryan walks out of the bathroom. "Ryan?? RYAN!!!?!?!!! YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE!!"  I scream. "JESSICA!!! GERONIMO?!!!" I keep shouting frantically. "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" I pull on my wrist trying to free myself. Ryan comes back into the bathroom with a blunt in his hand. "I left for 2 minutes and you're already screaming for Jessica and pulling your wrist out of its socket. That's funny."  He blows smoke in my face. "Can you just help me get out of here, you fuck?" "You know what? I don't like your tone and I don't appreciate being called a fuck." He sits beside the tub. "I might consider helping if you were a little nicer." He takes a long drag from his blunt and blows the smoke in the air. I hesitate. "Ryan, can you please help me get out of here?" I ask politely. "Hmmm." "Please! I'll um, I'll get Jessica to stop stealing your credit cards." "You're just now telling me Jessica has been stealing my credit cards?" "That's not important, Ryan. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" "Fine, whatever." He gets in the tub, grabs my waist and starts pulling. "OW, OW, OW , OW. Okay let's not do that. Maybe if we run the water it'll make it more slippery." With my free hand I turn on the water. "NO, BRUNO---" The shower head starts spewing water. "You fucking little shit, my hair is ruined!" "News flash, MY HAND IS STILL STUCK IN THIS FUCKING DRAIN!!!!" "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CLEAN THE FUCKING DRAIN?" "FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S NOT MY DAMN HAIR." He turns off the shower. Ryan grabs me by my waist and starts pulling me. "Why do you have to have such fat hands?" He takes off his shirt, grabs a hair band from his wrist and puts his hair back into a ponytail.  "This shirt was dry clean only. Thanks, Bruno." "Fuck your damn shirt, I AM STILL STUCK!" He punches me in the side. "Will you shut the fuck up and let me think?"  I hold back tears. Ryan leaves the room and comes back a few moments later with a tub of margarine. "What are we gonna do make toast?"  I laugh. "Do you wanna stay stuck?" "No...but, seriously...are we making toast? All this hand stuck in drain business is making me hungry." "Do you ever not think about food?" "What else is there to think about?" He rolls his eyes. "Okay, so maybe if we use butter to make your hand slippery we can pull it out, you can get the fuck out of my shower and I can get ready to my date." "This date who still remains nameless." He angrily starts rubbing butter all over my arm. "Hey, hey, wait. This is my nice shirt. I don't wanna get stuff on it." "Well that was my nice shirt you gave a nice wash earlier so deal." "But, RYAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!" "How do you expect to get it off when you only have one fucking free hand, genius." "I don't know..." He grabs my shirt by its collar and rips it off of me. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" I yell. "Well you said you didn't wanna get stuff on your nice shirt and I think this makes us even for you ruining mine." He smiles. I angrily reach my free hand into the margarine and smear it into his hair. "You. Did. Not. Just. Fucking. Do. That." He says through his teeth. "Yeah. I think I did." I lick the margarine off my fingers. "You know, I don't understand why people don't just eat this stuff by itself. It's pretty good. But, still you know what would go great with this? Toast. We should've definitely made toast." Ryan glares at me angrily. I gulp. "We can let this slide right...?" He picks up the tub of margarine and smashes it into my hair. "YOU FUCK! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET SHIT OUT OF AN AFRO?!" I yank my arm until my hand is free. "Hey, look my hand is free!" "Good now you can attempt to fight back WHILE I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU." He balls up his fist and tries to hit me in my face. I quickly put up my hands to shield myself. I turn on the shower nob. "Ruin my hair some more why don't you?" He punches me in the side. "OW! Why are you so violent?? This could've all been solved if you just made me some fucking toast." "FOOD DOESN'T SOLVE EVERYTHING YOU FAT FUCK." I push him down onto the bottom of the tub and pin his arms above his head. "LIES." "WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE DOING THIS IF YOU WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOUR DAMN HAIR OUT OF THE DRAIN!" He tries to fight his way out of my grip. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IT'S NOT MY DAMN HAIR!!"  He manages to break free and shoves me up against the shower wall.  "WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!" Jessica walks in. I turn off the shower and Ryan backs away from me. "I can explain..." "Go ahead I'd just love to hear this one. You're sitting here fooling around with Ryan instead of making me money!" She crosses her arms. "I'm actually kind of interested too." A plumber comes from behind her. "It's not what it looks like?" "Oh really because it looks like Ryan was about to---" "Stop right there." He interrupts. "Why did you call a plumber anyway? We're manly men who can fix a clogged drain." "Then explain why you're both shirtless, wet, covered in butter and screaming at each other." She raises an eyebrow. "Because this dumb ass left hair in my drain and all I was trying to do was get ready for my date!!" Ryan glares at me. "FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S NOT MY HAIR AND IS THIS EVEN A REAL DATE?" He punches me in the arm. "It's my hair." Jessica says. "Ewwwwww!" I get out of the tub. "Why the hell were you in my shower?" Ryan also gets out.  "Should I um...come back at a later time?" The plumber says. "Because I clogged our shower drain too..." "GEEZ WOMAN WHAT THE HELL?" I yell. "I told you it was Jessica's pubes, now you owe me an apology." I look in Ryan's direction.  "I never said it was my pubes, Bruno." "What else would it be? Gross. Fuck it. I just won't go on my date tonight. Want me to make you some toast, Bruno?" "FUCK YES!" Ryan and I walk out of the bathroom. "I'm cleaning out pubes? That's just gross." The plumber says.  "Oh shut up." Jessica walks away.