Stoned & Crazy: A Bruno Mars Fan-Fiction.

Stoned & Crazy #2: Bruno Get Your Gun

Hope you all enjoy this one. :) If you wanna become friends,

Twitter: @TheInnerGorilla, Instagram: _ohlaydoit

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Also, props to my hooligan bestie @BrunoMarsFan85! :)

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(Bruno's P.O.V)

~2 months ealier~

"So...why am I doing this again?" I take the key out of the ignition. "Because, Dre can't be there for you all the time and you need some protection of your own. Plus, I'm here by myself sometimes and maybe I should have some protection of my own." Ryan gets out of the car. "That's what Geronimo is for!" I get out of the car and lock it.  Ryan scoffs. "That dog is basically the animal version of you, if it wasn't for me taking him out on the trail with me he'd be fat. Geronimo wouldn't hurt a fly." I sigh. "I guess you're right. But a gun? I mean why can't you just get one?"  "Dude, do you really think someone would sell a gun to me? I'm high 95% of the time." Ryan laughs. "What are you doing the other 5%?" "Sleeping." "Don't you mean caressing your hair?" I laugh. "Don't hate because you were born a brillo head." Ryan opens the door to the gun shop. "Fuck you." I mumble under my breath and follow him into the store.

~Present day: Afternoon~

"No Nemo! Don't touch the butt!" I stuff popcorn in my mouth. "What are you doing?" Jessica asks. "Watching uh..." I hesitate and switch the channel. Jessica looks at the TV. "You're watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?" Jessica gives me suggestive look. "I'll have you know that Honey Boo Boo is one of my biggest inspirations!" Jessica rolls her eyes. "I know you were watching Finding Nemo, you toddler." "You shut up! Finding Nemo is a very life changing movie." "A fish gets lost, it gets found and they meet some crazy Alzheimer-ish fish on the way. The end." "It's what happens on the way that's important Jessica and that fish is Dory and she is just inspirational! Just keep swimming is a motto I follow everyday in life." Jessica crosses her arms. "You only say that because Ellen DeGeneres was the voice of Dory." "You're still mad about that kiss? Come on it was like over a year ago. I said I was sorry, I even slept on the couch for 2 weeks." I get up and walk into the kitchen. "I just don't want any other woman to have you baby, you mean so much to me." Jessica pins me against the wall and starts kissing my neck. "Down woman! I want some chicken tenders!" I try and reach toward the freezer. Jessica starts sucking my neck. "Fuck, what's got you so horny?"I throw my head back in pleasure. She leads her way down to my boxer shorts. "Can little Bruno come out and play?" Jessica starts to pull down my boxer shorts. "ENTERING THE ROOM. PLEASE HALT ALL SEXUAL ACTIVITY." Ryan says as he slowly walks into the kitchen with his eyes covered. "Dammit Ryan, you fucking cock block." I yell. "Sorry bro, got the munchies." He grabs the bag of lays from on top of the refrigerator. "Dude, those are mine."  "No...they're everybody's. I'm the one who does the shopping around here while you too just have sex all day."  "Who are you Tiara? Those lays are mine! They're the ketchup lays and you know I love those shits more than I love Jess---tin Bieber."I yell. "You don't even like Justin Bieber!" Ryan yells back. "Um, hello? I'm still here." Jessica says from the floor.  "Whatever man, I'm taking the sour cream and onion ones then." Ryan grabs the bag. "NO! Not....not my SOUR CREAM AND ONION!" I run toward Ryan and snatch the bag of chips. "Ow! You just stepped on me!" Jessica yells. "You can't just claim all the chips in the house Bruno." Ryan says. "I mean...who pays for the house and the chips in it?" I cross my arms in victory. "I'll be in the bedroom." Jessica rolls her eyes and walks off. "Oh yeah well.... AT LEAST I CAN DO THIS!" Ryan runs his hands through his silky black hair. "Who needs to be able to do that when I can simply walk out of the house and make the girls swoon over my existence." "And yet you're locked out of heaven?" "Well...I mean---" Ryan's cuts me off. "Or is it simply because you can't reach the keyhole!" Ryan laughs and walks out of the kitchen. "Fuck you." I mumble. I wait a couple seconds then grab both bags of chips and run to the bedroom. I walk in and I see Jessica sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to me. "We can continue where we left off." I walk over to her side of the bed and raise an eyebrow. "No. You ruined that. Now I'm just so sad." Tears start to stream down her cheek. Fuck. "What's wrong babe?" I sit next to her and put my arm around her. She squirms out of my grip. "You wanna know what's wrong?" She says. "Yeah...." I open both bags of chips. "You really wanna know?" She gets in my face. I stuff 2 handfuls of chips in my mouth "Yes..." I mumble. "ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT IS FOOD AND RYAN! YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE ME DO YOU? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SHOW MY BOYFRIEND HOW MUCH I CARED!" She pushes the bags of chips out of the way. "Of course I love you!" I try and reach for the chips. "Then PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. LOOK ME IN THE EYES DAMMIT!" I do as she says. "I see fire." I gulp. She's got me corned against the headboard. "Are you in love with Ryan or something?" "What?" I say in shock. "That wasn't a no!" She starts to cry again. "NO! Of course I'm not in love with Ryan! He's like a brother to me and he's always been there for me. We grew up together Jess." "I know but sometimes it just seems like more than that...you totally ignored me in the kitchen and I just don't know if I can forgive and forget that easily." I hesitate. "Well...I'm sorry." I try and reach for the bags of chips. "NO!" She slaps my hand. "You're so horrible to me!" She cries. Dammit I hate when she cries. "I don't know what to do to make you feel better..." "Well there is 1 thing." She dries her tears. "What?" "I saw these adorable cheetah print Prada pumps and I'd just oh so love to have them!" She gives me puppy eyes. "Fine. I'll just give you the money for them," "No,no I know how much you hate shopping with me so...you can just give me the card. I promise that I'll only buy the shoes." She smiles warmly. "I mean...I would but I cut it up." "YOU WHAT?!" She slaps me. "Ouch! I'm sorry!" " YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE SORRY! When did you cut it?" "This morning, I was expecting a new one in the mail anyway and I figured I'd just write checks until then." "YOU GET IN THERE AND LOOK FOR THE PIECES OF THE CARD!" She angrily stares at me and points toward the door. "But it's in the trash! That's so grody."  She starts yelling at me in Spanish. "I don't habla ingles!" I hide my head between my legs in fear. Jessica grabs me by my hair and drags me into the kitchen. "Don't reach for the chips." She says sternly. I sigh. "NOW START DIGGING!" She shoves me toward the trash can and I angrily start digging in the trash. "Hey, I found a cheeto!" "Can a cheeto buy me Prada pumps? NO! SO KEEP DIGGING!" "But it smells." "Well duh, it's the trash smart ass!" "I can't find all the pieces, I think Geronimo has been in the trash." I raise up for a breath of fresh air. "THAT'S IT I'M SHOOTING THAT FUCKING DOG!" Jessica runs toward Geronimo. He whimpers. "NO!" I run after her. "YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT DOG! Ryan is the only one that takes care of it!" Ryan opens his door and a cloud of smoke fills the hallway. "No man, G is my dog!" Ryan runs into the living room. "Sheesh what goes on in this house?" The mailman says from outside.  "Well I need a new purse! So either the dog goes or I do!" Ryan's walks over toward the mantle and grabs the gun. "You said it, not me." Ryan cocks the gun and points it toward Jessica. "DUDE NO! You can't shoot her that's murder! You could go to jail for that remember?" "Couldn't you technically go to jail too? I mean the gun is licensed to you" I get on my knees."WHY RYAN!" *Flashback: "Dude, do you really think someone would sell a gun to me? I'm high 95% of the time." * "Plus you'd be a wittiness and basically it's all your fault." Ryan shrugs. "I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BUY THE GUN! I DON'T WANNA GO TO JAIL! THEY DON'T HAVE BURGER KING IN JAIL!" I start to tear up. "Are you seriously crying bro?" Ryan smiles. "The Burger King Ryan! THE BURGER KING!" Ryan hugs me and pats me on the back. "Um, hello! I'm still here...and I still don't have a piece of plastic in my hand. Look am I your girlfriend or is Ryan?" "Well..." I scratch the back of my head. "WELL WHAT BRUNO?!" "I mean Ryan has been my partner in crime for a long time and..." "YOU DID GAY THINGS WITH HIM DIDN'T YOU?" "HEY! Getting high and doing naked piggy back rides isn't gay!" Ryan defensively fires back. "You do realize what just came out of your mouth right?" Jessica crosses her arms. "Yes...no....wait..." Ryan thinks. "At least Ryan remembers my birthday!" I yell. "It was one time Bruno give it a rest." Jessica rolls her eyes. "And he knows that I don't like grape jelly on my toast."  "COME ON! It doesn't matter what's on the toast you're gonna eat it anyway."  "That's not true!" Jessica gives me a look. "Oh really? Because I saw you put some dog food on toast once and eat it." "N-NO!  I DON'T EAT DOG FOOD!" Geronimo barks. "Shut up! I don't and maybe Ryan would be a better girlfriend than you anyway!" Jessica opens her mouth in shock. "Awww, you really mean that dude?" "Of course I do Ryan!" Bruno and Ryan hug. "Fuck it just give me the gun, I'll shoot myself." Ryan hands her the gun. "Wanna go get some Burger king?" Ryan says. "YOU KNOW IT!"