when i was still a little, my mom always told me to be happy even if this world's full of sad scenarios, fake loves and shameful thoughts. she kisses my forehead every time in my decisions, i have doubts.
every day, i always wear my smile just for you to see that i'm happy with this life you've given to me. you always shared to me your little fantasies when you are still young and how you dream about elves every christmas evening. you told me everything i wanted to know, so when the time came—my legal age came, i wouldn't came back on our house—to you just to ask you that thing. to tell you, mom, i've learned to be content.
you always brings my favourite foods. every pleasant morning, you serves me my milk like you always should. brings me to our favorite spot to see the splendid views of sun's set, even if we're just two. with you, life is perfect.
𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾'𝗌 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝖾𝗋𝗂𝖾...
i. when i have a tears in my eyes, you thinks that it's a tears of joy. i felt anger but from that day on, i've learned to be happy even if i'm crying.
iii. when i have a wound on my knees, you thinks that's because i have played joyfully with my class- mates that i didn't noticed that i already have 'em, even though i have it from someone who bullied me. from you, i've learned to be happy with my scars and appreciate how beautiful they was.
iii. when you forgot my birthday, you see me crying on the corner of my room because of the thought that you no longer love me. but instead of comforting me, you just smile at me thinking I was just so happy because finally, my birthday came. from you, i've learned to be happy even if it's not my day and without a scented candle with its flame.
you always think that i'm happy, you insisted me to be always happy. so i shows you my dulcet smile—i knew, i have to and i never ask you why.
i became the 𝗵 𝗮 𝗽 𝗽 𝗶 𝗲 𝘀 𝘁 child you 𝘄 𝗮 𝗻 𝘁 me to be. you over 𝗽 𝘂 𝘁 𝘁 𝗲 𝗱 on my 𝗺 𝗶 𝗻 𝗱 that 𝗶 𝗵 𝗮 𝘃 𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗹 𝘄 𝗮 𝘆 𝘀 𝗮𝘁 𝗴 𝗹 𝗲 𝗲.
and when my legal age finally came... life's becomes opposite of what you've told me when i was a kid. the things had changed and i couldn't just settle.
𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗆𝗂𝗅𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌.
𝗍𝗈 𝖼𝗋𝗒 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝖺 𝗌𝗆𝗂𝗅𝖾.
𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗒.
now, it's all hard to do! i thought i could be just happy with my life when the things get heavier and rough, but seems, i got so far to that ‘happiest me’ before. dilemma's all around, like i was spinning as the earth's does, up-side-down. the grief within me feels so strong and i can't fight 'em back, i'm so weak. so tell me mom, how to manage to smile when my heart's full of ache?
before you passed away, you left me this words that made me feel so terrified, “be happy.” you left me with that words when you knows that i couldn't afford it, 'cause you're my happiness—my happiness depends on you. mom, i got tired for trying to be happy again.
this crystal tears from my eyes never been dried started when you left. the ‘happiest me’ followed you, including myself. i lose my smile that you always want me to wear amidst this agony that i feel. now, i'm all alone in this gloom, and crying down my knees, thinking this life is just unfair—full of despair.
so many things i've learned from you—i've learned to be happy everytime i'm in pain 'cause you insisted that happiness lasts forever;
and i'm sorry to say, “but mom, i'm not happy anymore.”
Ms. Blue // 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗴𝗹𝗲𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁.
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