What Is Grief If Not Love Persevering?

The human mind

The human mind in comparison is completely different to the Elvin mind. That was an obvious observation, but an observation Sophie made nonetheless.

There was the big things that made Sophie stick out, made her something estranged to the others. The way she moved so much faster than humans, both physically and mentally. The way she never understood half the logic behind their laws and societal rules- though to be fair, she struggled with that in the Lost Cities as well.

Then there was the smaller thing. The ways that elves relied on order and logic and shoved everything else behind in order to keep that. Where humans had acceptance that they were messy, and uncoordinated and chaotic. The way that was how they thrived.

But having to grow up in both worlds made those stark contrasts oh so obvious. She was two worlds apart. Biologically, she was Elvin but mentally she was human. She fought with her emotions, she fought fire with fire, she fought with pure resistance to those around her.

She didn't care when she didn't look her best and she never understood having to always look and be perfect, but she realised that that was a form of their perfection. Their need for order, their control. She never had that, as a 'human', she never had to look perfect all the time because humans never expressed themselves as perfect and orderly and put-together. They are a mess and so was she but it is the way they are so it is the way she is as well.

She never had the shield of rose coloured glasses her entire life. She dealt with crime, and chaos and death and love and happiness and horror and it was normal. It was a part of life but now, here, it used to be unheard of. She knew it all and so when she was faced with that, it was no where near as shocking as it was to the rest of her world.

She experienced grief, and loss, and depression and exhaustion simply from existing with humans.

She didn't understand how they could live so blindly in a world that was not okay, because at least the human accepted that they were fucked up. How could they ignore that they shunned, and cast out and isolated and crushed people. That they had such a desperate need to outdo each other and be the better one that it tore them a part but they thrived on that. That they weren't perfect and only pretended to be because that is what kept them functioning and ignorance is bliss so they stayed in it, but it is too late for that now and there are consequences that they still aren't willing to acknowledge because it is easier to bury it down in fear of reaction- chaos- than it is to dig it up.

She didn't understand. She doesn't understand. She can't understand. She won't understand.

These are what made Sophie stick out like an ice cube in the desert. Like a splash of colour in an otherwise gray world. She reacted differently, she thought differently, she felt differently. What was new to her was old to them and was was new to them was old to her.

She wanted change and that is something that scared so many of the elves because they had power and change means that there is the possibility that they will lose it and they don't know how to live without it, they are drunk on it and are scared of the crash that follows. She wanted acknowledgement but they didn't because that means realising that they are no better than the humans, and that death does happen here and not by accident, and that they are capable of what they fear so much and that their society was never order, only a mask to hide what they couldn't face.

The human mind.

That's what Sophie had.