S^x with a Ghost| Fyolai AU

| = Just Pretend = |

I had woken up that morning to see the empty, grey, dull, and disheveled sheets besides me.

Everything was coming back to me now in a certain deranged haze that I wish I could beckon away. But no matter the circumstances or conditions I just couldn't seem to wave at it in the right place. It was as if it was clouding my senses of direction and security. It was so alluding and critical... yet I was powerless to even consider fighting against the dreadful edges of reality. It tore at my mind, my very eyes, my everything. Yet I could not break free from its reign.. I was forever trapped in this loop of madness.

I did not want to have to wake up... or even motivate myself to go to the incessant thing we call school. I didn't really care of my education even if I was told on multiple occasions, which felt more like every day, that I was going to have a very bright future. Maybe become a doctor, lawyer, or even a business man, they would tell me. But I didn't desire any of that... and I never will. I don't see the point to want a future I wouldn't be happy with. Because I assure myself... I will never be happy just sitting at a desk all day and watching a computer screen while stock sales go up and down. It sounded so dull and boring I rather claw my own eyes out.

Yet some people somehow enjoyed things like that... or maybe they truly didn't. What if they simply did that to just make a living? They did what they needed to survive... but it was pretty unnecessary to force someone to do these things in order to make a living in the first place. The world truly is a ridiculous, selfish, and cruel place. If only that weren't the case... if everyone could smile and be happy. To enjoy the same things as one another. No one would feel pain or shame. There would be no agony or fear... no starvation or thirst. Not even death would linger in a perfect world like that. But then again we aren't gods... we humans are far from it. We're not perfect... nor are we magical in any way either. All we do is control... take... and want. It's that simple. There is nothing else to that cycle. We control what we want... and then take it for ourself without a second thought about our actions and what the consequences might entail in the end. No matter what, we sin and commit the same treasonous mistakes over and over and over again. It truly is a vicious cycle of failure and idiocy.

So no matter how hard we try to create a perfect world, civilization, or society... it's impossible. Peace is just an optional accommodation that some of us can't afford. It's an illusion that we all live behind to mask the truth. The fear factor keeping people from acknowledging the fact that we truly are avaricious and merciless creatures; the fact that no matter the circumstances we will always choose to do the option that makes it easier for ourselves. The sloth that dwells within our hearts can cloud our eyes... mine included at times. For example, the fact I am refusing to get out of bed at this very moment. Which I don't regret at all... thus proving I am not perfect and never will be... the fact I feel tired and weak, preventing me from motivating myself to move forwards is my own sloth doing it's work. We all sin and suffer in the end... there is no contradiction to it. It's a natural occurrence that is the outcome of our every day lives. Whether it be murder... theft... maybe even greed. It's all the same. There is no difference in the sway of the pendulum of time and choice. The time will not wait for you to make that choice and you cannot hesitate... but it's important to understand the fact that no matter what... that choice can impact yourself and others, greatly affecting the future of those around the stigma of carnage and death. But I guess looking at it that way can only increase the fear factor and the stress.

Although... sometimes... I feel as if I do not have this fear factor. As if I was free from it somehow.... Or maybe that's just my lack of empathy and remorse to blame for this vacant animosity. Sometimes I was told that lacking these emotions entirely could lead to a lot of negative feelings and effects down the road of my life... I was even offered therapy to fix them, and I did attend... it just never worked. Nothing worked.... And it would always be that way no matter what. I had only cried about two or three times in my entire life... and one was just yesterday... although I'm not truly sure why I found myself crying. I rarely cried over anything only because I'm not necessarily sympathetic or remorseful towards others or even myself, really. If I were to get hurt I wouldn't cry... I wouldn't even feel bad for myself either, I'd just sit there and take the pain as if it simply didn't exist. I've always been a 'bitter pill' as the adults say. But I've been told that's only partly my fault since some type of traumatic experience occurred in my life to trigger such reactions to melancholiac situations. Well... I was told that was the most likely explanation. But I'm not sure which tragic event to blame it on... my life has been full of them... though I refuse to mention a single one since the memories and wounds they scored across my mind remain fresh and forever intact.... So I try not to dwell on them so they don't rise to the surface.