What You Don't See (wlw)

[18] Walking Disaster

Verity

I fucked up. I know that very well. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I like her, I literally like her so much and I just... left?

I was sat in my bedroom, in the middle of my bed with my head in my hands, desperately trying to figure out my own behaviour. Replaying this morning's events over and over in my head.

I just felt so ... overwhelmed. So scared that when she said she wanted to talk about what happened last night, she wanted to let me down, tell me I was a great friend but she didn't like me in that way. Simultaneously terrified of the opposite, if she felt the same way, as if by not ruining it all now it was still all a ticking time bomb, except I'd have way more to lose this way. Overall, both scenarios felt like too much, something too real for my pea brain to handle. She's my first proper friend, how the hell am I supposed to navigate a relationship without literally fucking it all up.

So I left. It's what my body told me to do immediately so that's what I did. My mother always accused me of running away from my problems, and she was right; I did just take off like a complete arsehole. I felt like a human bin, just full of trash. To say I felt guilty was an understatement.

My mum asked me later to have lunch with her and Mark, which I obliged despite still feeling what I can only assume is hungover. I knew that when my mother 'asked' something it was more of a request that I can't deny. She probably just wanted me to see how lovely dovey the two of them are to make me feel even more nauseous.

I sat down at my usual place, not even looking up at the two of them. They didn't seem to care anyway, talking between themselves for half of it. It was all gossip anyway - my mother explaining all about the Robinsons' new kitchen they were having done and Mr Thompson - Esther's father - had just received a new promotion with an even bigger bonus than before. It bored me to tears, and was possibly the worst distraction for all of my shitty feelings about earlier.

"So, Verity how is school going so far?" I glanced up to see Mark focusing on me, looking smug as always.

"Erm... yeah it's going fine so far." I winced at how vague of an answer it was, but giving Mark any specifics about my life just felt like giving him ammunition to bully me further with. Not that it mattered - my mother's probably shared all of my recent mishaps with him already anyway.

"Good to hear," His tone made it very clear he didn't believe me, but he didn't question it. "And have you got many friends? Or... even a boyfriend?" His eyebrows raised slightly at the last question, his voice becoming more inquisitive. I knew that he knew very well I didn't have a boyfriend; he was just taking the piss out of me.

Before he could say anything more, my mother burst out laughing. Both Mark and I made a face at her at the same time as if to ask what was behind the sudden outburst.

"Oh no dear, Verity certainly does not have a boyfriend. It would practically take a miracle for a boy to find her romantically attractive." I swallowed hard, becoming more and more aware of my breath. It felt as if someone had grabbed my heart out of my chest and was just squeezing it as hard as they could until it was completely crushed.

It would take a miracle for anyone to find me attractive. The words played over and over in my head as the two adults got back to their petty gossiping. It would take a miracle. I was such a fucking idiot to think that Amy could ever like me back in that way. My mother was right; I was completely unlovable, it really wasn't that difficult to come to that conclusion. To think I'd hoped for anything more than friendship with her when I didn't even deserve her giving me the time of day. She's perfect and I'm a disaster.

XXX

I could still feel every single individual knot in my stomach when Monday came around. I'd avoided Amy all weekend but it wasn't like I could avoid her at school. I was going to have to face how awful I'd been on Saturday morning - and Friday night - and I didn't have a choice. The concept felt like when I stared at myself in the mirror too long and started thinking about how much I'd rather be anyone else but me. I hadn't had those feelings in a while, but suddenly they were all back again, the same frustration about being stuck in my own body.

We sat on the bus in near silence, and then again walking to first class. At lunchtime, it was clear we were both feeling the tension and awkwardness caused by my actions. I just didn't know what to say to her now, and she didn't push me to say anything when I answered her general questions with few words. I wanted to step into a time machine to go back to last week, when everything was fine between us and I hadn't ruined us.

The worst thing is I knew Nick and James saw it too - it wasn't hard to spot. They provided most of the conversation at lunch and kept giving me weird glances. What if they knew what happened? What if they slowly started to ditch me, knowing what I'm really like? The thought made me so nauseous that by the last lesson I asked to leave halfway through and ended up puking most of my lunch into the toilet.

"Hey are you okay? How come you left in maths?" Amy asked me with a concerned look on her face. She stopped dead in her tracks, although though we were on our way to the bus which was going to leave soon.

"I ermm..." I didn't know how to phrase it in a way that didn't sound so pathetic. "I'm... yeah I'm fine, I'm just not feeling very well today." Saying it out loud made me want to start crying again but I knew I couldn't do that, not now.

"Verity..." She kept opening and closing her mouth as if she was choosing her words carefully. "Can we please talk? I don't want to feel weird around you."

"Okay." I gave in, trying to breathe in deeply. I could feel myself wanting to run far away again, but knew I was going to have to face it sooner or later.

We slowly made our way to the classroom we sometimes studied in after college. With every step I could feel my stomach cramping more and more, my fingers tingling with anxiety. I closed the door of the classroom, quickly peeking out the small window in it to make sure there was no one else here, but the hallway looked dead.

Again Amy looked like she was heavily contemplating the words before saying anything.

"I'm sorry I feel like I'm holding you hostage or something and my brother said I should give you space but, I guess I'm just not that patient." She took a breath "I just want you to know that it's absolutely fine that you don't like me like that, like we can just forget it like-"

"Wait... you like me like that?" My tone was incredulous but I couldn't believe what she was implying.

"Yeah, I do." She sounded sincere, here eyes widening "but it's okay that you don't, like seriously-"

"No no no no!" I cut her off quickly, realising the misunderstanding. "I do, I really really like you like that."

"But... you left." 

"I know but I just... Amy, I'm just a walking disaster!" I didn't know what else to say, I was freaking out again and it took all I could to stay standing here. "When you said you wanted to talk I thought it was to reject me and the possibility of you liking me back scared me so much because it's like, even if I haven't ruined it yet, I will. I don't deserve you and you deserve so so much better than me."

"Oh Verity..." I could see the cogs in her head turning, figuring out my stance. I couldn't bear to think about how much I hurt her this weekend like the dickhead I am. "You're so wrong; you're perfect just the way you are." Her words made me instantly burst into tears. "And I'm scared too - I've never been in a relationship before and that's terrifying but I want to give us a chance because I honestly really like you." 

"I..." I was entirely lost for words and realised I was suddenly holding her hands, tears still streaming down my face. "I want that too." 

"Come here," She pulled me into a hug, and I just cried into her shoulder for a while. It felt like warmth had enshrouded our two figures and I knew this was the closest to feeling home I'd ever been.