Rose Bridges

Fifty four

Romero

"Do you think that experience has affected every sexual experience since then?" Dr. Shah asks.

I stare emptily as I think. "I don't know." I shrug.

Her lips purse. "Mr. Souza."

I say nothing. "I don't like talking about this."

She stares at me for a moment before opening a drawer and looking through it.

A second later when she lifts her hand back into sight, I freeze.

My mouth goes ajar as I stare at the blue journal Carmen had got me for Christmas.

"Where did you get that?" I ask.

She slides it across the desk and to me. "Your girlfriend dropped it off the other day. I can't give it to you to keep though, so you can only use it in here if you'd like."

Carefully, I pick it up and open it. My messy handwriting is scribbled through the pages.

Carmen, one day I'm going to marry you.

An odd breeze of melancholy feeling causes goosebumps to form over my arms. "Thank you," I utter.

She hums. "Well, you don't wanna talk about it. So write it."

I glance down to the empty page where I last left off two months ago.

Anxiety creeps up my body and a subtle shiver racks through me.

I wouldn't say I've ever been good with words.

Not grammar wise, but rather getting them out.
Speaking them into existence.

Because to speak something into existence is to acknowledge it.

I don't realize how long I've been staring at the empty paper until she speaks up. "You're 18, correct?" Dr. Shah asks.

I nod. "Yeah."

She sighs and pushes her glasses on top of her head.

"Listen, we all have shit from our pasts that we don't wanna talk about. It's painful. It hurts. But you have to let yourself talk about it because if not how are you going to heal? You're still a baby, And you have so much potential to become the best you can be. You have to talk about all the shit you don't want to talk about and give it life."

I dart my tongue out to lick my drying lips. "Why would I want to give it life?"

She offers me a sad smile and folds her hands. "To show yourself that it can't kill you."

Carmen

Ever since Alexander got expelled none of the debate team guys have even looked at me.

Even as we all sit waiting for the winners to be called.

I feel the expected fear and building anticipation in my chest.

That familiar tightening in the stomach.

The familiar stare off into the distance as your eyes focus on the judges and every move they make and as they start announcing.