Sleepwalking // xBayani [ON HOLD]

xx

It was only 11 in the morning when I heard my door being knocked on. I got up from the living room couch, that of which I was laying on, and made my way to the door to look through the peep hole that was on every front door to every apartment. Jadlynn was there, so I grabbed the doorknob and twisted it open. She said nothing, as did I, and I invited her in. She came inside and sat on the couch while I closed the door and put my back to it, staring at her.

After about a minute of staring and blinking, and complete silence, Jadlynn spoke up by saying, "I'm sorry about what happened to your sister."

I looked at her, and before I could say anything, I choked on my words, unable to actually comprehend what was happening to me. It was like everything was crashing down on me all around, and I was the only thing left standing. That's how it felt. A totally demolished city, and in the middle, me. And I feel like I'm next. I'm next to tumble, to fall, to demolish.

I didn't have to visit Dr. Langland  until tomorrow, so I decided to proceed this day with caution. I didn't want the first words that I heard today to be about my sister. I didn't want pity, I didn't want care, I wanted—

I really didn't know what I wanted. There's so many things that are wanted by so many people, but I really didn't have any idea what I wanted as a result of Karissa's death. It made my stomach pang, clench up in me. I felt like I was going to puke.And, disgustingly enough, that's what I did.

It took me a minute to recalibrate, but when I had, Jadlynn was gone. She had basically disappeared. The silence was inevitable for the next few minutes, since all I had thought about was embarrassing myself when someone was trying to offer sympathy towards me. Ignoring them. I felt horrible.

I just turned on the TV, and none other than Supernatural turns on. I watch it for a bit, when there's a line that's said that sticks in my head, "Are you under the impression that family is supposed to make you feel good?"

That thought stuck for a good hour or so. I had turned off the show solely so I could consider that. I knew for a fact that that was what family was for; I mean, it was pretty obvious, but they're also supposed to be there for you.

I'm supposed to be there for my mom.

I get up quickly, grab the keys that happened to be on the kitchen counter and rush out the door to meet my mother at the hospital. It took a couple minutes, but I eventually made my way there. I went up to the ward that I was told she'd be in, and I asked to visit her. The receptionist at the counter asked me who I was and if I was permitted to see her. I informed her of my name and my means of being here, and she, after interrogating me for a short while, eventually let me through. I walked the halls until I found her room number. Slowly, I twisted the door handle to let myself in. She was asleep when I slipped in and sat next to her.

I sat there and eventually grabbed her hand moments before she awoke, and when she did, she asked why she was there. Where Karissa was. Like she'd completely forgotten. And honestly, I wasn't really that surprised that she had.

I didn't want to hurt her. It'd kill the both of us to bring her back up. Every time I hear Karissa's name, I feel like I'm being stabbed. Robbed, even, of any happiness I had remaining. I hate myself for the fact that I couldn't have been there for her in her time of need. She just needed someone, but I was so distracted with my own problems that I ignored hers. I ignored her completely.

For a few minutes after, I didn't answer, and my mother didn't question it. Then she began to sob violently, and it scared me. She had to have remembered.

"I...I'm so sorry, Jordan..." She whispers through the tears. My eyes were watering slightly, and I was slowly brought to tears as well. Everything was falling apart when it was starting to get better. Everything is broken now, shattered.

I thought it was going to be okay. I thought it was. I repeatedly told myself that it was going to be. I still didn't believe it, though. So I kept saying it. Saying it. "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."

I gripped my mother's hand loosely, trying not to tense her up at all. She, I, we were both as tense as can be, though, so I sat back and decided to let go. She didn't want to, though, so she kept hold on my open palm. She wanted someone, she needed someone. This was my mother's time of need. I'm supposed to be there for her.

So I sat myself there, and ended up falling asleep for a couple of hours. I assume she did too, because I woke up to a loud and constant buzzing. The noise you'd recognize as soon as you hear it. I screamed out of instinct. I don't know why, but the sound always brought torture to me.

Hastily, three nurses and one doctor rushed around, pushed me out of the chair and into the lobby, leaving me to comprehend what just happened. Did... How...

I started crying my eyes out. I don't know any better way of describing it.

After about five minutes, a nurse emerges from the room with a troubled expression. I already know what she was going to say, so I left.

I ran and tossed myself into my car, slamming the keys into the ignition and driving off. Tears filled my vision, but at this point, I really didn't care.

I lost my sister and my mother in the course of one day. And at this point, I didn't want to do anything but die myself.