Sleepwalking // xBayani [ON HOLD]

xviii

I ran up to my apartment as quickly as I could, my mother and Trevor yelling behind me. I kept going, though, searching through my house full of police officers and paramedics. I reach Karissa’s room and see her. Dead.

Karissa’s limp body fell onto the gurney that the paramedics lifted her onto, and I slipped into the room along the wall as they pulled her out of the room, and out of the apartment. I had gotten a good look at her. Her wrists were bloodied beyond measure, and I flinched. Her eyes were closed, her skin was pale. Really, really pale. Nearly snow-white. She was dead. My sister was dead.

I followed the gurney down the staircase and into the ambulance, and my mother runs behind me when I make it outside. She grabs my wrist and pulls me back, “No, Jordan, there’s no reason to go, she’s already gone…” she sobs. I gulp and walk back with her.

“What happened?” I choke. I’m trying to keep myself from crying.

“She and I got in an argument as soon as you left, and around five minutes after, she stormed into her room. I got concerned after I heard nothing for twenty minutes, I called 911 and I went into her room. She was hanging on her ceiling fan with the carpet below her bloodied. I- I....”

I sigh and sit down next to her, my stomach twisting. It’s sinking in. My sister killed herself.

Oh my god.

In that moment, Trevor offered that we go back to the pier. I knew it wasn’t a good idea at a time like this, but I felt that I needed to get my mind off of all of this.

So we got in my mother's car and drove off.

Thoughts were racing through my mind as we safely pulled into the parking lot. I just lost my sister. I lost her. She lost herself. She felt worthless.

Just the same for myself, I would say.

Trevor gets out of the car and starts walking around the boardwalk as if nothing happened. He cared about Karissa, I know he did, he just... was better at handling things like this than my mother was. Than I was. He shook it off. It bothered me severely, but I just kind of... ignored his stride, if that makes any sense.

I got out of the car and made my way to the bench where I had gotten the message. I looked out to the Pacific Ocean, and sighed. My sister was gone.

My sister was gone.

My stomach panged, and I jolted myself backward. It had hurt, but that wasn’t the reason tears were streaming down my face. I just feel like somehow, this was my fault. Karissa didn’t even know about my suicide attempts. She had no idea.

She’ll never know, now.

But one, just one, argument with Mom pushed her over… what edge was she on? She always seemed so positive, so outgoing, so… happy.

Just like how I try to seem.

Trevor’s plane back to Ontario would leave only three hours from now. I could see why he ignored Karissa’s death. He wanted to enjoy his last day out here. But that- it seemed as if he had stooped to a level, one so low that it would be considered evil. I just lost my sister, and my best friend doesn’t care.

My heart was throbbing exponentially, as every thought exited my mind a new, worse one would take its place, making me start to mentally hyperventilate and eventually feel like giving up. I laid myself onto the bench and put my hands to my forehead, attempting to control my breathing.

“Inhale,” I whisper, and do so, “Exhale.”

I steady my breathing enough to sit up again, and I slipped on my jacket that I left on the bench just before we had left. It had only been a half hour, but I feel like so much of my life has just fallen apart before my eyes in this short time. I had no explanation for my feelings, my emotions, or my thoughts.