Fear of imperfection. Doesn't everyone want to be perfect? Yeah sure, everyone would like to be perfect.
No. I don't want to be perfect. I just want to feel better. Look better. Be prettier.
My biggest issue is not being enough. Not being good enough. Not looking good enough. Not just for him but for myself.
Social Media. Social Media is one of my biggest killers. The biggest thing that gets to me. Sites full of gorgeous girls. Perfect figures. Pretty faces. Thigh gaps. Big bums.
I cant escape it.
TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook.
They're everywhere.
Yeah sometimes I do it to myself but how can I not compare myself to those people. I always have.
How can I not compare myself to someone who's got a skinnier body than me? Bigger bum than me, prettier face than me...
It's something I've struggled for years with. I've always struggled with myself. Sometimes I feel confident but then one little thing can just knock me straight back down.
I want to be perfect. But my definition of perfect. My kinda perfect where I can pick and choose every single part of me like a character builder for a game.
I'd change a lot. My head, my bum, my legs, my stomach.... make them all to how I want them.
Sometimes I find myself scrolling through socials just admiring their bodies, their faces, their skin tone. It's such a bad habit, I know. I can't help it.
I grew up being bullied for my weight and looks. Grew up in a school full of gorgeous girls who got all the attention. I grew up wishing that I could just be pretty to someone. Not even myself.
Now I want to be pretty for myself. I want to be shown off for being pretty. I want to feel confident and pretty.
I get scared. I'm insecure. What if he thinks someone else is prettier? My head tears into two. Like a good and bad angel.
The bad angel says "There's other prettier, slimmer girls"
The good angel says "He won't leave you, he loves you for you"
I side with the good angel most days but there's always that side thought..."What if".
I wish I could see myself how he sees me but how can I.... my head always reverts back to them girls.
I just want to feel good. Look good. Be the confident Danielle I've never been.
Be shown off, be looked at.
One day I'll get there - but not just yet.
