One of my next biggest fears is disappointing the ones I trust/love the most.
As I said in Part One I rely on others (trusted/loved ones) to help me get through tough times. The thought of disappointing them in any way possible ruins me. My biggest aim is to make them proud.
If I make a promise, I aim to keep that promise forever. Most of the promises I make are to do with my mental health so stuff like no self harming (in any form) I won't attempt suicide, I'll eat etc. If I tell them I'd done one of the things I'd promised, it destroys me inside. Letting someone down is the worst feeling and even worse when it's someone you didn't want to let down.
It doesn't matter how many times they tell me "you haven't disappointed me" "you haven't let me down" I'll still believe they have. I'll still believe that they are sat at home thinking "oh danielle I wish you didn't" or something like that.
I've let someone down before. This person means everything to me. They've helped me through so much and I'd be lost without them. I let them down by self harming. I couldn't keep it a secret from them because I couldn't ever hold anything back from them. They told me they weren't disappointed, they said they were just upset that you couldn't hold back the urge. I cried for the rest of the night because I'd let them down. They said "hey, cmon it's okay, I'm not disappointed" but I still balled my eyes out.
I cried because the numerous times before that I wanted to do it, I didn't because I held on for them. I stayed strong for them. But this time I couldn't and I felt so so bad.
I made a promise to that person that I wouldn't do it again and I would speak to them if I felt that way again. I've kept that promise. There's been a lot of urges but I've not gone through with it since that day. All because of that person. They make me strong. They believe in me.
