Always Forever?

10. the fucking car

TW: SWEARING (OFC), NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, ANXIETY, QUESTIONS ABT SUICIDE
words: 1069
November 10th 2020
y/n's pov

(a/n i'm probably gonna start writing the thoughts of the person who's pov it is like this just to be clear! anyways enjoy!!)

i can't. i'm not able to

we just stopped infront of the house. minx parked the car and the girls are starting to get out but i sit there, thinking about the fact that there are 17 other people in there because we were gonna come last

oh also remember my negative and positive voices well yeah they decided to come back at this moment

i told you didn't i?
you told me not to go because i would die? i'm not dying am i?
you're mentally dying, you're scared.
im not
oh yeah sorry my bad. you're terrified
fuck you
just stating facts sorry hun

i decided on blocking the voices out

i see niki and minx looking back at me, giving me a look asking if i'm coming, i give them a look telling them to give me a bit
they knock on the door and get greeted by three 16 minors who hug them and pull inside while i hear the blond kid scream "OH WILLLLLL"

i feel the tears brimming in my eyes

five minutes have passed while i just let the tears roll down my cheeks

im so scared

fuck this

why did i agree to this?

that was so stupid

im so stupid

i shouldn't have gone in the first place

this is a terrible idea

i keep thinking about how i should've just stayed home and that i shouldn't have come here to america at all or the fact i shouldn't be here at all.i have been here for not even 2 hours and i'm already regretting that can't be good right

my thoughts get interrupted by a knock on the window

i see the familiar dirty blond looking at me, he pulls the car door open and motions for me to make place for him as he sits down

CLAY:
'oh pumpkin what's going on?' he says as he hugs me and gives me a small kiss on the forehead

OH PUMPKIN? HOW COULD I FORGET TO TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT THAT

when me and clay were younger we were carving pumpkins for a party our mothers were organizing, let's say me and clay were about 9 and 11 i think , also our mums made pumpkin pies which i loved btw so clay started calling me a pumpkin lover which i absolutely hated because it sounds so stupid. me and clay were fucking around with the pumpkins until i got mad at one so i threw it. after which a piece of pumpkin flew into my face and hair (i found the week after that still pumpkin in my hair) that day a lot of shit happend with the pumpkins so that's kinda it?

ANWAYS BACK TO THE PRESENT

Y/N:
' nothing clay.. don't worry' i mumble into his chest as i cling onto him tightly

CLAY:
'well the thing is... i do worry cause it definitely bothers you enough to make you sit in the car and cry, right?' he pushes me back a bit so i can look him in his face.
the minute we make eye contact i burst, it's too much. the tears, i can't stop them from spilling out as she silence gets broken every few seconds by my sobs and clay rubbing my back and telling me that it's gonna be okay and that he's here for me if i want to talk or if i just need support and love

CLAY:
'you can talk to me pumpkin, i love you' he says as he hugs me again and gives me a little kiss on my forehead one again

Y/N:
'love you too' i mumble into his chest

CLAY:
'can you look at me for a second please?' he says as he turns my face to look at him with his pointer finger
'what's wrong?'

i sigh and hesitate if i am gonna tell him the truth.

i need to be honest with him, i can't lie to him

Y/N:
'i wanna go home, i can't be here clay. i can't and don't say that it's gonna be fun and all because i have been warned about this. i was told i shouldn't have gone but i don't listen.... gosh i'm so fucking stupid. i wanna go home. i don't think i'll be here for the meetup i shouldn't even be a part of and i think i'll leave to go home immediately after twitchcon, im.... i just- ugh, im not supposed to be here' i ramble

CLAY:
'what are you implying?' he asks with a very worried look as he grabs my hand and holds it between both of his hands.

and i start crying again,

'pumpkin please don't tell me you're implying that..' he says softly and quiet

i don't answer
and avoid eye contact i cant do this

'pumpkin...' he tries but i don't wanna answer

'look at me y/n'

fuck he used my name, he almost never does that atleast not in conversations between just us

CLAY:
'please just look at me, because if you're really implying that i am here for you and i wanna talk about it, i can't lose you. don't... okay no but really?'

Y/N
'im sorry' i manage to say soft and quietly between the sobs and hiccups

CLAY:
'suicide? you mean you wanna kill yourself.. is that rlly what you're implying here?'

i cry harder. and i grab my phone go to my camera and see my mascara a bit smudged so i wipe it away i also wipe my tears away.

Y/N:
'lets go'i say and i step out of the car walk to the boot (trunk for Americans) and grab my luggage

and i walk to the front door, someone opens the door that i know to be Wilbur Soot

WILBUR:
'hey come on in! wait are you okay?' he asks me i nod and give him a smile and a hug

'was dream with you?'

Y/N:
'yeah i think he is coming now..'

WILBUR:
'okay i'll leave the door open than c'mon let me introduce you to the rest'
he says as he leads me to the living room where somehow every one was seated.

~~~~~~

A/N AHHHSORRY CLIFFHANGER NEW CHAPTER SOON I PROMISE, IM GNNA START WRITIMG RIGHT NOW!! also i hope everyone is okay, please eat, drink and sleep atleast a bit also try to go outside a bit! i care for you, love you all!