Rue

CHAPTER 5

Cancer can have a wide variety of symptoms including seizures, sleepiness, confusion, and behavioral changes, the internet says. It was mentioned that behavioral changes are part of the suffering when you have the illness, but how about the changes in personal preferences, in appetite and even in talent? Are those included too? Are those possible? I thought about it.

"It's normal, John. You do understand how life-threatening moments can change people. Rue is not an exemption. Maybe it is her way of making amends with the chance to continue her life. Things will get better soon, John." Dr. Scott asked me to be patient before hanging up.

"I will, doc. "

Since that phone call, I have always pondered about a life-threatening moment that changed me. I had to support Rue in the process of her change. I had to know what it's like in order to see the world through her eyes at that point. But I end up with the thought of my current dilemma. It was slowly losing Rue. I wondered how that would change me.

"Can you keep your thoughts to yourself?" Rue mumbled.

As I was about to answer, I noticed that she was talking to herself. I was sitting across our dining table, and Rue was at the sink looking down at her food.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yes. Don't mind me." She answered.

That afternoon, I was researching and reading articles on cancer, brain-malfunctioning, and even those related to amnesia.

The thing is, Rue remembers me, but it feels like she does not remember herself. Who she was. How she was with people. What her preferences were. Why she would never drink coffee. Ultimately, I felt like Kenneth Branagh of the Death on the Nile and the Murder on the Orient Express trying to unlock mysteries with only a few variables to work with. The difference is, I enjoyed the process of watching them, rather than having to experience it in real life. It had my spirits shaking. I got a faint heart, as Rue once told me before.

I tried to console myself by thinking that it is only a matter of careful observation, and study of the events that had transpired for me to solve Rue's case. I looked into the whats and whys, I still ended up with nothing.

"Rue, are you mad at me for not telling you about the surgery the moment I learned about it?"

"Of course, not."

"But why are you treating me this way?"

"What do you mean this way?"

"You're different."

"Look, John. I did not know about what you just said until now. And, I couldn't care less, John."

I was in awe. I got it all wrong all this time. It was the operation, it was the first thing that comes to mind whenever I thought about the last moment when Rue was in her truest self.

After the conversation with Rue, I got in my car, and drove to the hospital. I immediately asked for Dr. Scott but the attendant said that he was not in.

I walked confused down the hall when I felt a set of strong eyes gazing at me. Like being magnetized, my body knew where to face itself, and turned to see a nurse. It was the woman Rue and I encountered when we first met Dr. Scott. I walked towards her. My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating fast. But I could feel my vision widening as I tread along the hallway. Maybe that is how one feels when nearing the truth. It both scares and amazes us.

I thought about how to start a conversation with her. But I thought of rather not thinking. It makes me complicate everything than it already is. I stopped after about eight rhythmic steps.