I'm Not A Boy || YoonMin

『 9 』

Jimin's P.o.v

Now I really have to get up. I promised my mom I'd go there because I don't want her to worry about me any more.

Sluggishly and with all my strength I got up slowly. When I finally stood up after almost ten minutes, I stretched. Then I siped to my closet and just grabbed something black. I felt it took me half an eternity to move.

I don't like looking in the mirror at all, but I did it anyway every time, maybe because I was subconsciously hoping that something would change. I don't know what's supposed to change, just something.

One step at a time I sat down on my way to the bathroom and it felt like I had weights hanging on my feet that were literally pulling me down. In the bathroom I quickly went to the toilet and did my best to brush my teeth. It wasn't so easy to hold my arm up for so long.

Afterwards, I went into the kitchen and muttered "Good morning" to my mom, which she replied in a soft voice and still hung up: "Will you eat something, please? We have to leave soon." I nodded and took a small peach yogurt from the fridge, that was my breakfast.

I sat down at the table after taking a spoon. Slightly disgusted, I looked at the yogurt in front of me. I didn't feel hungry, as often lately. At least I have to eat something small, that I don't faint again.

When I was finally done with the yogurt, mom and I got out of the apartment and in the car. She focused on driving the car and I focused on the music coming on the radio as I didn't want to sink into my thoughts. The whole ride I played with my hands because of nervousness.

How am I supposed to behave?

What do you want me to say?

Is it okay to say how it really is or is lying better?

Will I even be able to talk?

All the questions were circling around in my head.

"We're here." I heard the soft voice of mom. Apparently I didn't manage to concentrate on the music so as not to sink into thoughts.

We got out and walked a little bit until we stopped in front of an older apartment building and mom said, "Here's your health card. You can do this! I'll wait for you down here." She gave me a smile, wich I replied. Mom does really anything for us for which I am very grateful.

I pressed the doorbell briefly once and picked up the buzzing sound of the door before I opened it and entered the building. It was cooler in here than it was out in the spring sun. To it it was dark and almost seemed like an abandoned building, scary. I went up the stairs to the first floor and stopped when I saw an open door and a mid aged woman beside it.

"You must be Jimin." she expressed her suspicion. In response, I just nodded and she continued: "I'm Kim Bora, you can call me by my first name. Please sit back here for a moment." Again I just nodded. She disappeared in the room just behind and I sat down while I looked around. Here it was also a bit dark, because there is no daylight coming in here, only a small lamp hung on the ceiling. Next to me were two chairs and a plant, while in front of me was a large painting.

I noticed the door of the room opening and someone else coming out.

"You can come in now." said Ms. Kim. I just gave an "Okay" of myself before I entered the room. "Make yourself comfortable." she said as she read my medical card. As I sat down, I looked around again. Here it was nice bright through the big window where the sun shone in. It is also pleasantly warm to which it is decorated relaxing. It made me feel almost at home and hardly nervous anymore.

Ms. Kim handed me the card before she also sat down and asked, "You must have noticed that your mom and your friends are worried about you. Why do you think they're worried?" It was not intrusive at all, on the contrary, her voice is calm and gentle. She was still hanging on: "Just say what comes into your head and don't think about it for too long." I listened to the tip and said, "Maybe because I sleep less and eat less which makes me feel worse."

"Okay, but do you really think it's the only reason you feel worse?" she asked another question and I answered, "Don't think so."

"It's good that you noticed for yourself. I'd like to run a test with you. Don't worry, there are no wrong answers. I'll introduce you to the question, and then I'll read you four possible answers, and you'll decide what's best for you." Ms. Kim explained what we are going to do now. "Okay." was all I said.

Although there were quit a few questions, I answered them all, even though many answers were short. Ms. Kim put my answers in different words, which were really true and I also partly understood my own feelings better. The questions were mainly about my daily life, whether I eat, how much I eat, the same with sleep, which about feelings such as sadness, exhaustion and motivation.

"Let's get to the evaluation. You have reached a total of 39 points, which means that you are currently in a difficult phase and are barely, if not at all, not knowing what to do. Can that be true, what do you think?" I thought for a moment before I said, "Yes, I think so."

"You know, a lot of people who are mentally ill always think their symptoms are not as bad as they really are." Ms. Kim told me. She went on to say: "There is always one, if not several, reasons why a soul is not doing so well. If you are mentally ill, you are automatically also physically ill, which can be headaches or other physical pains, food intolerance and much more."

Ms. Kim took a short break before she continued: "You can be proud of yourself for being so open and saying anything at all in the first conversation. Some take longer, which is fine. You can take your time, too."

I don't know either, but the way she talked to me and the atmosphere made me talk automatically. I didn't have to think twice about what to say, I just spoke out of my stomach like Ms. Kim had said.

"Oh, time's up. I'm giving you homework to try to get back to school on time, not every day, but maybe at least once a week." she gave me up and I said I would try.

"It's a lot of value to try." she smiled.

We made another appointment before we said goodbye and I left the building. I saw my mom coming. Somehow I felt the feeling of embracing her, so I ran the piece up to her and wrapped my arms around her, which mom replied immediately.