𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗻𝗼𝘁? junhao

9: and then he was gone

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[30 - 12 - 1985]

Dear Junhui,

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

I'm sorry I pretended to be happy.

I think I'm broken.

Don't you know there's no use trying to fix something that's broken?

I can't pretend to be fixable anymore.

I know this is selfish of me, but life has been so unkind that I can't bring myself to be selfless anymore.

I wish I could have held on for you, but I know in my heart that I cannot.

I want you to know that I loved you, even if I never was able to show it in the ways you did.

The way you looked at me made me feel like I was special for once in my life, rather than somebody who deserved to be punished.

You made me feel like I was allowed to love and maybe one day if this were a different lifetime I could have believed I was deserving of love too.

Lately, everything in particular has been too much for me. Even if my physical wounds heal I'm not sure my mental ones ever will.

Don't go blaming the students at your school, or the people you were friends with - my spirit was broken a long time before I moved here.

Most importantly, never blame yourself - it was you and Sunwoo who were keeping me alive above everything else, and I'm grateful to have lived for as long as I have considering how long ago I lost the will to live.

With Sunwoo gone, I fear I've gone mad.

I feel wracked with insanity; whether this is what grief is meant to feel like I'm unsure, but I know it feels like I've broken every bone in my body and my mind is screaming at me to just make everything go away.

I'll miss you Junhui.

Don't miss me too much, it would break my heart.

Minghao.

Sealing the envelope with a shaky kiss, the boy slipped it under his pillow silently.

He took one last glance at his boyfriend's sleeping form, smiling softly through his tears at the way he was curled up like a child.

I'll really miss you, he said inside his mind, hoping that somehow the thought would enter Junhui's dreams.

I love you, he wrote on the notepad his mother kept on the bench.

Minghao stepped out into the night, a singular scream spilling from his lips as the pills he swallowed felt as though they ripped a hole in his gut.

And then he was gone.

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