A book on things of the life in my late teens

Hopeless Romantic

I want to kill the idea of love - romantic love - being the be-all and end-all of life. If it was something I could kill with my own hands, it would be the most tempting homicide in the whole world.

How beautiful would it all be without the craving, the pressure, the everything.

Yet here I am, looking out, for someone I can place all my absurdly innocent fantasies. Someone I can picture myself cuddling. Someone I can picture myself talking with for hours on end but escaping the mundane. Someone who cares about my hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires (and not necessarily the physical ones), someone who wants to learn about the world with me, someone to share my curiosity, my love, my enthusiasm for life.

Because it feels like I am wasting so much life. Not one, not a single one of my relationships seems to give me that thing I need. That sort of connection that makes you feel a little bit less alone even if it is just for a minute. I used to have that in friends, and I was better at ignoring that I didn't have that with my family.

There is this quote that says you can only meet others to the point you have met yourself. Well, what happens when others can only meet you to the point they have met themselves, when you are suddenly in a different reality than your loved ones and the loneliness kicks in.

But maybe, just maybe, I like playing the victim. Are you telling me that in this huge blue world you are unable to find a connection that makes you feel less alone. A connection that you feel cares about the things you care about in the way you do. Aren't you maybe being a little bit pretentious? Aren't you? Aren't you maybe placing too many expectations on others?

So now, I am pretentious for craving connection? Is that what you are saying? I don't think I am being pretentious, I think I am grieving at the world as I used to know it. I am grieving my lack of community, I am grieving my strong economical support system that is my family, but how weak they are at making me feel understood.

The thing is, I don't know where to look for, I don't know what to do. So inside my mind I turned the first good looking guy that makes a joke to me into my blue prince. The one that will actually be able to see me, understand me, value me, and share me with me.

Because, maybe, there are people that understand who I am and how passionate I am about the idea of changing and understanding the world, how i want to raise my voice because i am sure there is plenty i have to say and there is room in this world for it, and how insanely crazy it is the way i am. No matter how busy I try to make myself, there is no way to bury my desire for following what I am called to do.

And I am elusive about what it is that I honestly want to do. Because I am terrified that if I write it down the fire inside me will dissipate, or maybe even worse, it will be so clear what I am supposed to do that I won't have any choice but to follow it. And I might get burned.

I want to communicate, I want to speak, I want to write. And I still don't understand why studying things that have nothing to do with that makes me feel so alive. Or maybe, it is that I am so alive inside that no matter what I do I will shine. Or maybe, safety makes me really happy. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Also, I want to do it all. So far, I have been able to. It is not that bad.

What would it mean to try to follow my heart? What is at risk?

I want to be a content creator. I want to share my thoughts on life, my journey, explore what thoughts are roaming in our minds as a collective, explore them, change them, reframe them.

Do I want to make money out of it? Probably?

I also want to write, I want to publish my reflections not just in a shortened version. I want to have my medium page full of articles.

Do i want to be on youtube and tik tok? Currently no, i dont feel like editing videos. When I turn into something big, i want to have an editor who will do the part i dont like.

I also want to talk about books, ideas, places, perceptions of the world, other people's stories, ways to make money, happiness, not being in a relationship, having an evolving personality, and the everyday. Silly little goofy things. I also want to be hot, but i don't think i want to sexualize my body, that will remain private. I want to be hot because my face is associated to my mind. After all, that is what I am attracted to.

So, what desire within me would sharing my mind to the world satisfy? The wanting to be heard. That probably no partner will give me, because I am meant to be a little bit louder than one on one.