Elezia

04

"Good mood ka ata ngayon ah?" Won told me. Despite having family problems, I feel better every time I meet Elezia. It was as if she were a ball of energy that took away all my pain and worries.

Months went by, and I finally love what I'm doing. Not until my dad found out that I did not shift courses. He arrived at our living room, fuming mad. I was studying there. Itinilapon niya ang laptop ko kung saan ako nag-aaral.

"You still took that course, huh? At ang kapal pa ng mukha mong gamitin ang sasakyan ko taon-taon. Papunta saan? Batangas? What the fuck were you doing there every year?" Natigilan ako nang maisip na baka madamay na si Elezia.

"It's none of your business." Kinuha ko ang laptop ko sa sahig paalis na sana ako nang bagsakan na naman ako ni dad ng suntok.

"Masyado ka nang bastos! Walang galang! Wala ka na ngang silbi ganyan ka pa!" Tuloy-tuloy ang masasakit na salitang binitawan niya.

Matagal din kaming hindi nag-usap ni dad, ngayon lang ulit, and I knew it would turn out like this.

"Alam mo, hindi ako ang dahilan kung bakit namatay ang ina mo. Hindi ako, kundi ikaw! She tried to save you yet ganito pala ang future mo? Putangina walang kwenta. Sana ikaw na lang ang namatay at hindi siya!" Hinawakan niya at inangat ang kwelyo ng damit ko. Hindi ako makasagot, I stared at him with dark, blank eyes.

I suddenly remembered how my mom died in front of me.

I was 10. I was with her; sinamahan ko siya mag grocery shopping. Napahiwalay ako sa kanya because I got distracted by a toy. I never had any toys that were really bought for me. All of them were my brother's.

As I was wishing na magkaroon ako ng sariling laruan, a man in black arrived and pointed a gun at me. My mom found me at agad siyang humarang sa harap ng lalaki to protect me. The next thing I knew, I heard a gunshot, and my mom fell right in front of me.

"Ma!" I screamed while holding my mother's unconscious body. She was bleeding as I called for help. I cried and I stared at my bloody hands. I witnessed that at a very young age.

Siya ang sumalo ng bala, imbis na ako. Because of my dad's work sa politika, madami ang galit sa kanya and it just happened na nadadamay kaming pamilya niya.

Why is it my fault that she died?... Maybe it was really my fault? Kung hindi lang ako humiwalay sa kanya, it could've changed everything.

"Yeah... Maybe it is my fault." I broke the silence between us.

"But you can't deny that it is also your fault. Kung matino lang ang pagpapalakad mo sa mga tao, hindi siguro sila magagalit sa pamilya natin." Dugtong ko pa.

"But I am doing this for the family!" He gritted his teeth.

"No, you did it for money. Kasi kung para sa pamilya mo ginawa, hindi sana kami nadamay ni mom. I hope you're aware of how it will affect our family." Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak niya sa kwelyo ko and I walked out with my broken laptop.

He didn't let me sleep peacefully that night. Hindi ako makapag-aral dahil nasira ang laptop ko, it was my finals kinabukasan. I'm turning into my fourth year. Nahihirapan na din akong ipasa ang mga subjects ko but I swear... I'm trying my best.

I suddenly thought of Zia. There are a few more weeks left, and I'll see her again. I thought of the way she smiles; I am jealous of that smile. I wish I had a life like hers, where I won't be compared, where all I do is enough, where my parents can understand me, where I won't feel any pressure, and where I can just live my life comfortably without worrying kinabukasan kung pag-iinitan na naman ako ng dad ko.

It must be nice, I hope she is grateful.

A few weeks after, hindi ako tinigilan ni dad. Araw-araw niya kong kinukulit na mag shift ako, but kahit anong pilit niya, I won't. This is what I want, this is the first time in my life na ako ang nag decide para sa sarili ko at hindi siya. I won't change my mind.

But then... dahil sa argument namin ni dad, I couldn't sleep well at night. Paulit-ulit akong binabangungot ng pagkamatay ni mom. I thought I had healed from it already, but that scar is an open wound again.

I tried to study and focus for my exams, but I just can't. I was full of guilt, hatred, and regrets. I wish I could turn back the time and fix everything, but there's no way to do that.

The day arrived na magkikita na ulit kami ni Elezia. It's time to unwind, but it feels like masyadong mabigat ang dinadala ko ngayon. I'm afraid it won't be helped by our routine.

It's our fourth year doing this. When I arrived, I noticed Elezia was a little odd too. Her energy was more reserved, pero naisip ko na baka naman normal lang 'yon dahil lahat naman ng tao ay nauubusan ng energy from time to time.

"Hi, Hoon!" Bati niya sa akin. I always see her at the same spot every year, in the same position. Nakatago ang mga kamay niya sa likod, while she's looking at the sea at nagpapahangin.

"Ang galing naman, para lang tayong nadedeja vu dahil every year naman natin ginagawa lahat ng 'to." She told me.

"Yeah, but each time is different." I answered. Tumango naman siya and we were filled with silence. She's not engaging that much sa conversation like she always do. Palagi siyang taga buhat ng usapan namin, baka napagod na siya.

Is she tired of me too? Pakiramdam ko ay nakakadrain ako ng energy sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. That's when my problems started hitting me again.