Best of Me: A BTS FF

Chapter Eleven

Taeyeon's POV:

Over the next few months, I tried not to think that much over the kiss, not wanting to work myself up when I couldn't do anything about it. Something I did do was meet up with the different guys I had slept with when pregnant. Yoongi knew what I was doing, I promised him openness and honesty in our marriage. But, with the way he kissed me before he left and then ran, I needed to figure things out myself.

Over the three months BTS was gone, I explored my feelings with each of the guys I had slept with while I was pregnant. I needed to know for sure whether it was just the hormones that made me do those things, or if I actually had feelings for them. I owed it not only to myself, but the guys I had slept with, and especially to Yoongi. I was just as sure that Yoongi was trying to figure out his feelings about me and the kiss, though we agreed not to talk about it until he was home.

The guys I slept with were all idols or trainees about to debut. So, around their schedule, I would see if any of the members of their group could watch Cho-hee while I spent time with them. It was confusing to be alone with them again. I was confused by everything because even though I had given birth to Cho-hee months ago, my hormones weren't a hundred percent back to normal. My doctor told me it could take a while. Still, even with my hormones more evened out than they had been since I was pregnant, part of me realized as I spent time with them, some of it was hormones. The rest? I think it was a need to take control back in my life and it made me lean towards older guys, because I had been surrounded by older guys for more than three years at this point.

Each of them loved me in their own way, at least, other than the older guys who raped me. But even that, which will always have a hold on my life, showed me how much all the older guys in my life loved me. All of the guys I slept with were older than me by at least a year and only those I'd lost control with knew what I had done.

Yoongi and Kookie knew I did things, but I would never tell them who. So, as I tried to distinguish my relationships with those guys, being overwhelmed by them and taking care of Cho-hee on my own, Jackson from Got7 came over to see me one night at my request.

"Taeyeon-ah," he said as he hugged me at my door. "What can I do for you?"

"I just need to relax, Jack," I replied, hugging him back.

"I had a feeling that was why you called me," he told me, pulling a bag from behind his back. "We're gonna have a few drinks tonight."

"I've never drank alcohol before, Jack."

"There's a first time for everything."

"What happens if Cho-hee needs me and I'm drunk, Jackson?"

"Good point," he said pulling out his phone and sending a text.

"What did you just do?"

"I contacted the rest of my group. Youngjae will probably just look at Cho-hee and get all squishy, keeping her safe. Mark will probably follow him. The rest of the guys, they can hang out with us and help you relax."

"What about if I need to feed her?"

"Taeyeon-ah, if you're drinking, let alone drunk, you can't nurse Cho-hee while the alcohol is still in your system. You can get her drunk because it will also be in your breast milk. Do you have any in the fridge?"

"Yeah, two containers. That can last about three days."

"So, Youngjae or Mark can warm up a bottle and feed her."

"She's my daughter, Jackson. My responsibility. How can I do something that can hurt her in the long run?"

"Taeyeon-ah, drinking once in a while isn't banned for mothers. You just need to know that someone needs to be there to help you with the baby so she doesn't accidentally get hurt and to feed her. It will only take about about eight to ten hours for the alcohol to leave your system."