Circles

Chapter XX

Noah had spent the initial days after the incident lying in his bed, oblivious to the world, and peacefully gazing out of the window. The medicine given to him for the pain rendered him barely able to recall his own name, though Alister was grateful for that. At least for a while, he wouldn't have to grapple with the small predicament he would have to face once Noah became more stable.

His father was conspicuously absent and hadn't returned home for days, so the boy had taken full charge of his brother, making excuses at school and caring for him around the clock. Although his father's presence wouldn't have made any difference, and Alister wouldn't allow it either.

He had dropped out of university to fully take care of Noah, but it wasn't as if he cared about that at that moment. All he could think about was his brother's health, so it was a relief for him to be away from the bothersome friends who wouldn't leave him alone, as he didn't believe he could maintain a friendly smile in that situation. Somehow, the fact that his brother was human and could be seriously injured or killed had deeply impacted him, not to mention that Noah had been harming himself, which made the situation even more complex, as he didn't know how to react. He needed some time to think and organize his thoughts before he could talk to Noah.

Time passed, clearing Alister's mind, and on the day he administered the last dose of medicine, he was ready to face it. His father had returned two days prior, not saying a word about the incident, and hadn't even bothered to go see Noah in his room, but that didn't matter to Alister; his father had his own reasons for doing things, just like he did, so he continued treating him as he always had; his opinion hadn't changed and wouldn't change, he had already decided, and in any case, it was just a matter of time.

That night, as Noah gradually regained consciousness, Alister could clearly see how the spark returned to his eyes, searching until it found him in the dimness of the room.

"I'm here," he whispered.

Noah's reaction quickened his heart, as if he hadn't seen or heard him in years, and he directed a radiant, devoted smile at him.

"I dreamt about you..." he mumbled, his mouth still groggy.

"I hope it was a good dream."

Noah nodded as his eyes moved back and forth, as if verifying this reality.

"Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?"

"I'm okay..."

"The morphine is still affecting you... if you feel any pain, you must let me know. They prescribed some milder pain relievers for you to take if the pain is too much."

"What happened?"

"You broke your arm."

"Oh... I fell?"

"Probably."

"Oh."

"Do you want some water?"

"Yes."

Alister helped him sit up and brought the glass to his lips for him to drink. When the pajama sleeve lifted slightly, he could clearly see the deep scars on his pale skin. His hand unconsciously grasped Noah's wrist, gently pressing his fingers against the marks that displayed a slight raised texture, as he had been doing for the past seven days.

"You need to stop doing this," he said without realizing.

Noah looked at him, confused, tilting his head.

"I mean," Alister touched the scars with the tips of his fingers, tracing a path over them, "these."

The boy still seemed not to understand, and Alister didn't know if it was due to the medications or if he genuinely didn't grasp what he was talking about.

"Why do you have these scars?"

"Oh, I just cut myself while doing some things. It's okay, it was a silly accident."

"You have several of them. Did you accidentally cut yourself multiple times?"

"Yes... I guess I'm pretty clumsy," he smiled.

"Noah."

"Hm?" The boy directed a look at him that seemed innocent, but Alister knew what was about to come."

"I know you're lying."

"I'm not."

"Of course, you are. I know you."

"Alister, you don't know me – he smiled bitterly, squinting his eyes to appear more harmless."

"Listen, I've always cared about you. You don't understand it now, but you will."

"You always say those things to me. I'm not a child anymore. If you explained, I might understand better..."

"Someday, I'll tell you everything, alright?"

"You don't understand..."

"What?"

"Why are you being so kind?"

"I've always been kind to you."

"It's not the same if you're pretending. Did you forgive me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That means you didn't."

"Why should I forgive you for what happened?"

"Then why did you leave me alone? I don't get it!"

"Noah, I didn't leave you alone. I was always here, but I had to step back a bit and keep a certain distance from you... you know why."

"Yes. I know. I told you, I'm not a child, and I perfectly understand what I did."

"Alright. So..."

"I know I'm a disgusting person, Alister. So I don't understand why you took care of me and got close to me again. It would have been better if I had died."

"Hey! Don't say that kind of thing again", Alister gave him a stern look. "I will never leave you alone, I promised you, didn't I? I will always take care of you, Noah."

"I don't need you to. I don't want you to. You'll never love me the way I do, and you'll keep pushing me away again and again, so I'd rather you leave me alone now. It hurts. It hurts so much you could never imagine, and I hate you for it. I really hate you."

Alister stepped back for a moment to catch his breath. Hearing him so clearly made him feel even more unsure, even though he had imagined something like this would happen, almost word for word.

"Did you cut yourself because of me?"

"No."

"Was it because of what father was doing?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"I told you I wasn't cutting myself, why don't you believe me?"

"Noah!"

"Alright! You know it now, but you want to hear it, don't you? I was cutting because of the SHITTY LIFE I HAVE!! Are you h...?"

Without waiting for him to say another word, Alister approached and hugged him tightly, as if he could piece together all his shattered fragments with that embrace.

"Please, stop doing it. You don't know how much I love you and how much it hurts me that you're doing it, Noah..."

Silence filled the room, and as if the words were a spell, Noah felt all the tumultuous emotions flooding from his stomach to his mouth settle enough to allow him to breathe. At least for a moment. At least for a breath. If he held on to Alister tightly enough, he could endure the pain.

"Don't leave me alone..." he pleaded while hugging him back, clinging to him for dear life.