Circles

Fourth Cycle: Resignation, Chapter I

The summer heat was beginning to take its toll on Noah's mind. Or was it on his body? His heart beat fast, and he felt the urge to run towards some unknown and distant place to quell the excitement building up in his chest. Every year around this time, the same thing happened to him; he needed to go out, to run, to see the world and experience everything it had to offer, for no particular reason at all, but he had never been able to do it. Now more than ever, he felt that his youth was slipping away, while most of his life had been spent confined to different rooms, with different people and under different circumstances. He longed for human contact beyond what Alister or Lizzie could provide, because at the end of the day, he had no one to talk to about all his pointless worries regarding what was happening in that house.

"I wish I had a friend," he sighed with melancholy, "although I'll probably end up being abandoned again..."

Alister spent most of the day at work, and for some reason, Lizzie didn't talk to him as she used to. Sometimes he sat by his bedroom window, letting the hours pass, feeling an uncomfortable and painful emotion growing in his chest. Alister was far away, not knowing what he was doing or with whom. Fear began to invade him, slowly intensifying. Could Alister truly love someone like him? In reality, could Alister feel love for anyone? What worried him the most was that objectively speaking, he wasn't enough. His shortcomings were apparent, and even though Alister seemed to "accept" him, he had an irrational fear that at some point, Alister would grow tired of his flaws and abandon him. If it ever seemed like things were heading in that direction, he would end it all and distance himself immediately to minimize the damage. He didn't want to go through that again, as he wouldn't bear it. In fact, it was a good idea to start becoming more independent from now on, gradually pulling away to protect himself. It was evident that it would happen. Alister would leave him sooner or later. Doubts were turning into certainties as they were apart, and in those moments, Noah could hardly contain his urge to escape; surely, at some point, Alister would want more than a fling with a guy, something more suitable for him and, of course, accepted by the elite society he was a part of; he had always dated women like that, so he probably wanted a family. And perhaps to have children. Something Noah could never provide. His heart beat so loudly that it hurt. And then he would step out to the backyard of the house and smoke a cigarette or two to calm himself. He needed to distance himself, but he couldn't. He was utterly trapped, and he knew it. Besides, where could he go? He had nothing and no one, and Alister would search for him until he found him, if it ever came to that. He loved him so much that he needed to distance himself to avoid losing himself even more.

When Alister returned from work, he would find him there, sitting on the small step of the house's entrance, completely lost in his thoughts. But as soon as he realized Alister had returned, Noah would stand up with a bright and painful smile, clinging to him, not wanting to let go. To Alister, it was reminiscent of a drowning animal desperately holding onto the object that would save it from death, and he would just smile while he embraced him and stroked his hair, for as long as the boy needed.

That night, as they watched TV quietly in the living room, Noah suddenly looked at him with shining eyes, as if he had awoken from a deep sleep.

"Hey, I have an idea! How about I look for a part-time job?"

Alister looked at him as if he had gone mad, but he smiled.

"Are you serious? Why would you want to do that? Don't you have everything you need here?"

"Yeah. Sure..." he mumbled as his face began to darken again.

"Why did you think it would be a good idea?"

"I don't know... I just thought I might be able to help with something..."

"I have enough money. If you want something, just ask, and I'll give it to you."

"Ah... alright." The light in Noah's eyes dimmed completely as he turned his attention back to the TV, bringing his hand to his mouth and starting to bite his nails without realizing it. Alister glanced at him.

"Come on, you're fine here, and I'm glad to find you ready for me when I come back from the office. You don't need to work," he said, affectionately stroking his hair. "Besides, you never last long with things anyway. You always start things and get bored within a few months, so it's better to take it easy."

Noah turned slowly and gave him a strange look.

"Yeah, you're right. You always are," he smiled.