tw for homophobic language/discrimination,
"harry is bisexual," tobi laughs, oblivious to harry's scared face, like he had been dreading those words all along. the sidemen cackle at the words, turning to stare at him for an answer. the cameras probably zooming in on his horror struck face, the worst thing about him coming to the surface, after being hidden for so long.
"i, i don't..." he mumbled, grasping onto the giant bear underneath him. he remembers buying it, in a sidemen video, and it's a reminder of everything he has to lose if his secret got out. his friends, his job, his fans. without them, harry lewis is nobody. "i don't think, i..." he continues, eyes flicking wildy around the room, taking in the faces of his friends who aren't laughing anymore, seeing them smile at him with concerned eyes and sympathetic smiles.
"should we skip this one?" tobi asks kindly, he sounds so gentle, so sweet, and it makes harry want to tell him everything, his dirtiest truth that's been festering for a long while now.
"no, i just... yeah. i, uh, i, i am... i can't," he stutters, eyes welling up slightly. it's the first time he's ever told anyone, and he can't bring himself to say the word. when harry realised he liked boys age 14, and he didn't say a word for nine whole years, closest he came to it is sneaking off with men at nightclubs, letting them do what they wanted and not having anyone to tell (sometimes they were shamefully older, in their late thirties, fourties even, because he was so fucking scared people his age would know who he was, know who to tell just to ruin all he had ever wanted, to break the dreams that were finally coming true).
viks hand reaches up to hold harry's, a silent act to remind him that no matter what, they were a team. harry felt a weight lift off his chest as was told not in words, that even if he had nothing else, he had vik, and it made it all a lot less scary.
"harry, it's okay man," tobi says, his voice so soft. the boys all nod in agreement.
"your still harry, yeah?" simon reminds him, reminds everyone. harry sniffs and wipes his eyes, still holding onto vik with one shaking hand. "do you want this cut out the video?" josh asks him, his tone judgement free and light.
"i..yes please... delete it too, please" he begs softly. if it got out, harry doesn't know what he would do. all he knows is he has read comments before, and they do not like gay people, and as much as they claim to love him, a majority would not hesitate in dropping him and the sidemen immediately. he can't do that to himself, can't do it to the group.
"of course, boggy, you decide whatever you want to happen to that footage. should we have a break, or continue?" ethan says, and harry shrugs, sniffling one more time. it had been so scary before, he had had nightmares about the boys ever finding out, and now, they were so nice, so loving.
"continue, i'm fine. read the next one, josh" he states, giving vik's hand a squeeze before letting go. it's okay.
-
harry let out a soft smile as they wrapped up the video, he felt lighter than he had coming in. they knew, and they would keep his deepest secret. harry trusted them with his life.
"you alright?" jj asked him quietly as they both headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. they had all decided to hang out at jj and simon's for a little while longer, help the crew pack up and then have a hangout off camera. it was nice to just be friends, sometimes.
"good, mate"
"are you-"
"jj, can i talk to you please?" one of the newer camera men asked, giving harry a look that left him itching his neck in discomfort.
"yeah, go on," he replied, grabbing two glasses out the cupboard.
"it's a business matter, maybe we should talk away from him," joel, the cameraman, nodded his head towards harry, who blushed and looked down. jj frowned, he didn't really like the new member anyway, and now he was just aggravating.
