Never Ending

~27~

He calls me back as I exit the restaurant but I do not stop. I take a cab back to the penthouse sure that Carter won't be there anyway. I slip into the house quietly and go to the bathroom. I fill the bathtub with warm water and bubbles and bring myself an ice cream from the fridge.

I strip out of the heels first and toss them to the side. The coat follows swiftly, I slide the pants down my legs tentatively, holding myself gingerly like my emotions will come tumbling out if I am hasty. I slip off the blouse and stand in my bra and panties. I look at myself in the mirror and notice the frown on my face.

I slip out of the remaining garments and step into the hot bath. I descend into it and grab the ice cream. As the water warms my body, I gulp a spoonful of ice cream to numb the emotions, still they come tumbling out. Soon after, I am sobbing into the water.

My mind returns to the day Gianna was diagnosed with cancer. She was only ten months old. I was still on my 'vacation' in Malta, in a rented apartment that my mother was paying for. She knew back then and she was the one who advised me to hide her from my father. That day, I cried until I felt dry. I could not believe my ears, I wanted to turn everything upside down if it meant it wasn't true.

They let me hug her and kiss her before she was taken in for testing and then she was gone. My mother had her transferred to New York and I also returned home, a new person. If it wasn't for my mother, I would have been with Gianna for my every breathing second, but I couldn't, otherwise my father would know and all hell would have broken loose.

When the water turns lukewarm, I wipe my eyes and get out of the tub. I pull out the drains and drape a shower robe around my body. I enter the bedroom and get dressed. It is still light out. I decide to go to Pier 84 before the sun sets. There are few people milling about. The water, which usually looks so depressing and dirty, draws a sense of relief within me. The breeze coming off the water hits me in the face, waking me up. I lean forward onto the railing looking down into the water.

There were many times during that time I thought to jump, off a building, a bridge, I contemplated suicide often back then. I was at my rope's end and fate just kept throwing even more misfortune into the mix. My mom was my only saving grace. Somehow she saw through me and never let me out of her sight. She put everything on hold for me and I couldn't get time to myself let alone to end my life. Gradually, things started looking up for me; I finished college, I got a great job at NNC and I somehow forged freedom from my father. I could see Gianna whenever I wanted to since I wasn't in my father's home anymore. And those thoughts of suicide took a backseat from my mind.

I wonder what it would be like if I just jumped. The water below isn't so scary from up here. Just for a moment, I would feel pain and then it's over, right?

I step back from the ledge and walk home.

I wake up in a downcast mood. I wish for comfort and a lot of reassurance. The conversation with my father a few days ago messed with my mind and my confidence plummeted.

Carter walks in a leisurely outfit of shorts and a tank top. He must be staying home today. I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I feel him stiffen at the sudden touch, but he mellows out quickly. With one arm, he hold me closer and the other pats my hair.

"What is it?" he asks softly into my ear.

A shiver of excitement runs down my spine. "Go out with me."

"What?" He holds me at arm's length, his eyes searching mine.

I lay my head back on his, "Go somewhere outside with me." His body relaxes and he nods. A piece of my heart aches at his subtle rejection.

I step away from him and look at him. I put on a pout. "Mek me some breakfast." I say in a cute voice. He laughs as he ruffles my hair. He leads me to the kitchen where he starts a breakfast of toast, eggs and fresh juice.

Out of my insistence, Carter gives into wearing matching clothes for our outing; black wide legged pants, white sneakers and white shirts. He holds my hand as we walk to the elevator. When the door close, he leans in and kisses me. Unwilling to drive, we take a cab. I lead him by the hand until we reach Gianna's room. I look at him before knocking. "I wanted to show you someone special to me."

I open the door behind me and enter bringing him along with me.

Gianna's face brightens whens she sees me. She somes and hugs me. As she retreats she catches sight of our intertiwnes fingers. She looks at me with curiosity. I can't contain my glee as I beam at her. She holds her hand out to Carter.

"I am Gianna. Nice to meet you."

Carter crouches to her height and shakes her hand. "Nice to meet you. I am Carter, you can call me Calix."

"Hi Calix." Gianna chirps. She is buoyant today. "Are you Tara's boyfriend?"

He looks at me and smiles before turning to Gianna again, "Something like that." I nudge him to stop playfully.

Gianna starts singing, "Tara and Calix sitting on a tree-"

"Stop." I say drawling the word out. She giggles as she runs to her bed. Just then Meredith enters. Upon seeing Carter, looks of surpise, curiosity and understanding alternate across her face. She introduces herself to him. She keeps passing me meaningful glances. I avoid her gaze whenever I can.

Gianna takes a liking to Carter immediately as she asks him to read to her. He obliges instantly leaving me with Mere.

"So that's him, huh?"

Blood rushes to my face. "Yeah."

"I can see a little of the resemblance."

"Don't say it so loudly." I reprimand her.

She pauses for a moment, her brows knotting on her forehead, "youh aven't told him?"

"No. But I want to." Gianna gives a hearty laugh diverting my gaze to them. "I guess I wanted to first test the waters."

"He will be an amazing father."

"I wish mom was here to see them."

"I understand her though. You should tell him when this is over and you can give Gianna a safe home and the love that she deserves, just like your mother wanted."

"I know. I have to get my revenge first."

"It's Gianna's last round of chemotherapy today."

"Really?"

"Yes. She requested that you come with her." Hope blooms in my heart at those words. I start to envision a day when Gianna rings the bell and comes home with me.

Just then Gianna calls for me to join them. The rest of the day was spent reading, building blocks and watching TV with Gianna.

When the time for chemo arrives. She insists on having Carter with her. "I want Calix." She repeats over and over until Mere relents. I hold her one hand while Carter holds the other. We launch her into the air like a swing until we reach the room. Her giggles counce off the walls as happiness radiated from her body in rays. Carter makes funny faces for her making her laugh even while they are administering the syringe. She lays down and I cuddle her on the bed. She starts to doze off.

Out of the blue, Carter starts singing her a lullaby. I am lost in the surprise, I do not hear the words to the song. In no time Gianna is asleep. We wait until the treatment is done and transfer her back to her room. I tuck her in and follow Carter out of the room.

I loop my arm in Carter's. "Thank you for being here." I say as we leave the hospital.

"She is very lovely. I was so happy to be with her." He beams at me.

A weight lifts off my chest. I want to tell him there and then.