An Idol's Will

This is the last one before the actual story. If anyone actually reads it that is.

TW: Fear of failing, semi-graphic depictions of wounds, mentions of blood and choking,

____

     The others depend on me. They shine the light on me and cast me as the center stage, main character. In their eyes, I am an Idol. It feels as though they put their lives in my hands and on my shoulder, thinking that I'll be okay because I'm me. Because I am who I am and that I can bare it because of the fact that they think I'm strong with a will of steel and iron. But my fingers and hands are starting to fill with scratches and scars from the lives and are starting to let go but are hanging by threads. My shoulders are burning from friction and they're bruising from what feels like metal grips. They're starting to fall because I can't hold them anymore. Am I becoming to weak...?

     (I don't feel like a idol. My strength and my view as being a pillar is starting to crumble beneath me.)

     But my knees are growing weak and they're beginning to buckle. The ground has never felt so close to me before, I'm inches away from just laying on it but it still feels so far away. But even so, I can't let go of them. Not yet, not now. I can't. Not until I'm so weak that my body shuts down on itself, till I'm catching my breath and I'm on the floor struggling like I'm dying. If I can keep holding on, I will. So long as my arms, hands, and shoulders don't give in now, I must stand strong. I won't let go until my grips falters and I really can't hold them any longer. Until then, I'll keep gripping onto them for as long as my life allows it.

     I just pray that I won't crumble now.

     Looking around me, the smiles on their faces gives me such joy, but it makes the pain in my chest grow and it aches so much. It feels like someone shoved me into a brick wall but only my chest was hurt. My eyes are getting heavy and it's hard to keep them open sometimes. I feel so tired... Every breathe that I take is starting to feel more like a chore than something I do naturally. I try so hard to not just collapse because I feel like blacking out from the pain. My body feels shaky and my breaths sound like wheezes as if someone were being choked.

     So then why is it me choking myself?

     Why is it my hands that have the blood on them? My own blood?

     What was the reason I am doing this again...?

     "Wake up! No sleeping in class!"

     I jolt up and stare at the teacher in confusion. I was sleeping? When did I- "This isn't time to take a nap, or is my teaching just too boring for you?" I choke on my breath and smile awkwardly. "Sorry, won't happen again" I can hear the rest of the class giggle at my mistake. Well, so long as I don't- The teachers' sigh cuts me off and they shake their head. "I'll let if off this time. That's rather disappointing since it's you".

     The ringing in my ears blocked out any other noise that there could've been. I stare at my table, my eyes darting back and forth from my shaky hands to my teachers' face. Everything feels so suffocating and I can't calm down. I don't like this. There's an unusually feeling sitting in my gut and it's making me want to throw up.

     Thoughts louder than my own voice tell me that what I've done was nothing but a stupid mistake. That once I've made one, the rest of my life will be a mistake.

     I don't want to look at my hands anymore. My shoulders are aching and so is the rest of my body. The scratch marks on my hands and shoulders are starting to bleed, and the blood is dripping down from my shoulder to the floor. I feel so dirty. Like I haven't had any proper hygiene in forever and the scent of the blood is all I've ever known. A metallic smell is whirling around me, and I can see the red on my hands starting to go brown as if it's been sitting there for a while now. Gods, I want to just run to the bathroom and hunch over so I can empty my stomach with whatever I had for lunch. (Not like there's much to empty.)

     I want to bring my hands to claw out my heart right now. But I can't do it. Not when there's other people. I'll rip out my heart from hanging strings when I'm alone, but not now. I don't want to just let people see me breakdown over something that is supposed to be such a small matter. Because to me it doesn't feel like a small matter. It's like there's a wall in front of me with the word 'Failure' plastered on it, scattered as small and big. Something is forcing me to stare at it even though I scream and yell to not look at it. Tears are streaming down my face and I can't wipe them away. I don't want this.

      It's too much for me.

     My hands aren't able to hold anymore, even if they were able to latch onto every part of my body, I can't do it anymore. I'm too tired. The exhaustion is catching up to me and I'm starting to crack and break. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'M SORRY!!!

     I don't know what to do anymore. I can't be strong any longer. No more am I the centre stage, main character. I can't be your Idol anymore.

     I look over to my side in hopes to calm myself down. There's that person again. They're always smiling, they shine so brightly compared to me that I'm almost jealous. Everyone seems to be so close with them and they can always put a bright smile on everyone's face. I want to be like them. I want to be that kind of person. The kind of person that people can rely on without having to worry. The one where I can smile at them and they can smile at me.

     My dreams are turning into nightmares right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything to change it. 'Of course, your actions have consequences.'

     Right now, I just have to pretend that I'm okay. Even if I'm exhausted, weak, and nothing but a true failure.

     But I still want to be that Idol that everyone can look up to in aspirations of hope.

____

A story made by _Lynxo_ on Wattpad.