DARLING, YOU'RE HIGH AGAIN.

CH 34: Portrait

I knew i liked him before i even learnt of his name. His pulchritude is almost haughty picturesque, almost like an angel painted out to be ravishing, beautiful, but he's a rascal. He's like a pitfall, his pupils gaudy and burning, and it enthralled you within, until you burn with it, until you go mad.

–

“There’s no turning back darling.”

Sam’s voice were laced with something venomous, indefinable now that Felix’s mind is crepuscular of vagueness, overcast with clouds of thoughts that messed up with his head timelessly. The whispers inside him that turned into incantations of beseeches did not end, but the man choose not to lend an ear, albeit it's in him, he can still hear it despite wishing not to.

Felix, why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to us?

Felix heard nothing, he lied to himself. With such great effort, he break free from the other man’s grasp, reaching his palms to his face almost romantically, he perceived the familiar wide hands that's been meaning to own every part of him gripping tightly on his bottoms.

What about the rage? What about the devastation? Felix, what about you? Are you throwing all of it now that you realize your love for him?

You’re an illusion made by a broken conscience of mine, you're not real, you're just a voice i didn't know could come to life.

You’re shameless Felix, almost disgusting, pathetic and greedy, unforgivable of many fallacies, you are a liar, you’ve lost all morality.

Insatiable of the rapture kisses and touches, Felix let himself drown in sin, moaning in between the shared osculate. It’s not his fault, his own confusion and being under the influence of drug lead him to do it, he doesn't love him, that's ridiculous. How can he love this man? He’s a severe crisis, a sin itself if you will, there's nothing sane about him, and there’s a loose screw inside his head. But why, why should Felix keep lying to himself? This is beyond unacceptable, he can't believe it, he wanted to curse himself for really loving him. A thought of giving himself up completely is terrifying that Felix couldn't help but shudder. The kiss that they're having right now, how can it be possibly this passionate? Why did Felix went as far as to start a kiss with him?

Did i caught his madness that i’ve done things that i shouldn't do? Felix asked himself.

That’s right Felix, wake up.

Fast as lightning, Felix broke the osculation that once felt like love and heaven, if only he didn't foresaw the hell of it. He stopped caressing the crimson haired man’s face, as if afraid to lay a skin to his own, strings of saliva were performed upon breaking the kiss, and somehow it reminded Felix just how disgraceful he is. Pupils constrict, heaving chest, and questioning expressions.

“What’s the matter my love?” Sam sounded as if he was in great depth of turmoil and fret.

Felix struggle to compose his voice, looking down, too scared to meet eyes with the other man, his unfazed audacity to stare at the same person moments ago already died. Felix croaked out, “Let’s. . . Let’s stop this, i don't think, I don't think i can do it.”

“What do you mean you can't do it?”

Anxiety and tension already started to eat Felix whole, he fear he has no answer to that question, he keep his head low and down. The silence is too loud, his glossy eyes reflecting the ground only, his heartbeat once again pounding abnormally.

“Answer me darling, don't keep me waiting.”

But how? How can Felix tell him in his face that he doesn't want to be with him any longer because he’s too scared to sink deeper in his hell? How can he tell Sam that he have fallen in love but that's pathetic because he had hurt him multiple times but he still felt this way? Felix lost both the words and his voice.