Quandary | Noah Sebastian |

seven

Noah

Through hooded eyes, I watched the dimly lit red numbers on the bedside clock fade in and out for God only knows how long. 2:43 AM. I should be sleeping, yet here I was, wide awake and exhausted at the same time.

Sighing, I pushed myself into a sitting position, careful not to disturb Olivia as she snoozed next to me. From the moonlight streaming in from the skylight, I could see that her cheeks were still tinted a light pink and her eyes were puffy from all the crying she had done earlier in the night. There was a strand of hair falling into her mouth, shifting with each breath that she took. I chuckled sadly to myself, remembering that very first night where she fell asleep on my lap in the same condition, and delicately brushed her hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. She was beautiful then and is still just as beautiful now.

I had been lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep after the events from earlier. Every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was the despair on her face as she cried in my arms, and all I could hear was the pain in her voice when she asked if I loved her. Each time my heart would plummet; the guilt I felt was unbearable. How could I be so careless, so stupid?

I saw it when she would give me the cold shoulder or scolded me when I forgot plan after plan. I saw it when she started to distance herself and spent way too much time at the bakery, leaving me to wake up in an empty bed. I saw it when she relapsed after 3 years. I saw it all, and yet I selfishly kept fucking up. She was right; I was putting too much time and energy into the new album and not enough into our marriage, and she was hurting because of it. She had been calling out to me, and I didn't notice until it was becoming too late.

Liv inhales deeply all of a sudden, stirring in her sleep. I watched her for a moment as she blindly threw her arm out, draping it over my lap, and pulled herself close. I lazily ran a hand through her hair while she settled back into her slumber, nuzzling her face in the space between the mattress and my leg. I smiled softly to myself, cherishing her affection while I could—even if she wasn't conscious.

Olivia was the light of my life, and I'll be damned if that light flickers out because of my foolishness.

-

I'm startled awake by the sound of coughing, followed by a rush of something hitting water, then more coughing. The bathroom door was left ajar, a ribbon of light shining from the floor and to the ceiling. I knew immediately that it was Olivia, getting sick once again from how much she had to drink last night. I frowned, throwing the blankets off me, and made my way in to see how she was doing.

Her arms were folded over the toilet seat, her forehead pressed against them as she sniffled and let out a few harsh breaths. I made my way over, grabbing a hair tie off the vanity before kneeling behind her and gathering her hair in my hands. I gently combed through her locks with my fingers, separating the strands and started to weave them into a braid from her hairline. She hums and mumbles a quiet 'thank you', sniffling and letting out an exasperated sigh.

When I finished tying off the French braid, I gave her a kiss on the back of her head and shuffled to her side, sitting on my feet. She remained in the same position as I rubbed slow circles into her back, and I could see that her cheeks were stained with fresh tears—she always cried whenever she threw up.

"Are you okay, love?" I asked her softly, continuing to smooth my hand over her back.
She takes a choppy breath in, nodding against her arms. "Yeah," she groans, pulling one arm away from the toilet seat and searched for the lever blindly. She eventually flushes the toilet and drops her arm down to her side in what seemed to be exhaustion.
"C'mon, let's get you cleaned up and back to bed," I tell her, pressing my lips to her head again.
She sniffles and nods once more but doesn't move.