Quandary | Noah Sebastian |

eleven

Noah

"Hey, it's Liv. I'm unable—"

I sighed harshly, locking my phone and tossing it on the bed with defeat. After I had snapped at Liv and hung up on her, I quickly realized that my actions weren't warranted and immediately called her back to apologize. She didn't answer; the phone simply went straight to voicemail, but I kept calling in hopes of getting ahold of her eventually.

It was late, and the unsettling fear of the worst continuously churned in my stomach, keeping me awake. No matter how many times I told myself that she was fine or how many times I tried those deep breathing exercises I had been taught, I couldn't seem to calm my erratic mind. I stared at the ceiling of my bunk for hours.

Since she had been struggling as of late, my biggest fear was that she was currently confiding in a bottle. Or worse, seeking comfort at the bar with the possibility of what happened with that guy occurring once again. It killed me to think about her in such a vulnerable state, not only because I was once again the cause of it, but because I wasn't there to help her through it. I wasn't there to make sure she was safe.

I grabbed my phone once again and rolled onto my side, opening my gallery to pictures of me and Liv. The first one that popped up was the one that Bryan took the very first day of tour, an inkling of a smile beginning to spread on my face as I took it in. Our eyes were clearly zeroed in on one another as we gazed at each other with such adoration, our grins wide as can be.

I remember how I felt at that very moment; so elated that she was simply there, and with the brightest smile on her face. It was as if there wasn't anyone else in the room. We were on the same wavelength, just focused on each other.

And the way she jumped on me the second I entered the green room afterwards? I felt like I had won it all—the show was impeccable, the boys and the rest of the crew were ecstatic, and Liv was happy. All I ever wanted in life was to be happy, to be successful, to have someone to be proud of me after all the self-doubt I went through. And there in my arms, I had it.

I sighed and flipped through countless other pictures of us together—goofy selfies over the years, candids of her with that prominent crinkle in her nose from laughing, our trip to Japan, our wedding photos. I could remember each and every moment that led up to these pictures being taken, and it made my chest tight and my heart sink with nostalgia.

Other than the picture Bryan took, when was the last time her smile was captured on camera? It used to be weekly, if not daily, and it became fewer and far between the more I delved into the music. I was spending less time with her, that much was obvious, and we weren't creating or capturing new memories because of that.

And because I had been paying such close attention to detail with the music, and ultimately forgetting plans with her time and time again, I lost the trust she had in me. It was no wonder that she, as an over-thinker, would come to the conclusion that I was purposely hiding my marriage from the public, as far-fetched as it was.

Losing her trust meant that I was losing her, and it was clear as day. I could feel it in my bones, I could feel it in my chest.

-

I did manage to get some sleep, as minimal and inadequate as it was, and I was having a slow start to my morning because of it. Folio was questioning my lack of enthusiasm, but Jolly and Nicholas knew to just leave me be. They knew how I got when a show didn't go quite as planned, so with the equipment getting damaged and not working properly last night, they let me be—they weren't even aware of what happened between me and Olivia.

Nick sidled up beside me as I nonchalantly picked apart the bagel I snagged for a late breakfast. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me, and I knew he was mulling over what to say to me.