Quandary | Noah Sebastian |

thirteen

A/N: don't hate me too much okay I'm sorry 🥺

Noah

I held Liv close to me, cradling her head against my chest as my taxi pulled into the driveway, appreciating the moment for what it was. I didn't want to leave her to finish the tour, all I wanted to do was lie in bed with her in my arms.

I wanted to feel her warmth, trace her skin beneath my fingertips, and map out every curve of her body. I wanted to admire the way her small frame fit perfectly in my arms, her body melting into mine, and burn it into my mind in case—

No. I won't let that happen.

She looks up at me, her eyes heavy with repentance and melancholy. I cup her face delicately and ran my thumb across the apple of her cheek, reddened as the brisk air nipped her skin. I gave her a saddened smile, my lips pressed together as I felt my chest get tighter and tighter, knowing I had to let go of her.

I leaned down to kiss her and relished the way her lips felt against mine; soft, warm, full and comforting. They felt like home, and Christ, I was already homesick and hadn't even left yet.

"I love you," I mumbled against her mouth after kissing her for as long as I could. "I'll see you in a couple of weeks, okay?"
I watched her eyes gloss over, and she gave me a quick nod. "Okay," she whispers. She doesn't say 'I love you'.
I reluctantly release my hold on her and take a step back, my heart sinking from the lack of reciprocation.

I shouldered my bag and made my way to the taxi, halting once I reached the back door to look at her one last time. She was hugging herself and shivering, the sweater she wore not thick enough to keep her warm in the frigid December air. I could just barely make out the tremble of her lips—I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from holding back her emotions, but I wanted so badly to run back to her and make them stop.

I sent a timid wave her way and hopped into the backseat of the cab, and as we backed out of the driveway, I could see that she was crying. Her shoulders shook with each sob, her breath ghosting across her face with every exhale.

I watched her body get smaller and smaller as we drove away, and the vice constricting around my chest only got tighter as fear encased me. I didn't know what to expect in the near future, and that terrified me. Would I come home to her as an empty shell of who she was? To an empty home? To divorce papers laid out on the kitchen island?

These thoughts wreaked havoc in my mind, my heartbeat ricocheting loudly through my head, and I couldn't breathe. Each inhale was excruciating, my lungs felt like they were filled with mud and simply wouldn't expand with the air I so desperately needed. I found myself choking and pulled at my jacket, trying to take some weight off my chest so I could just fucking breathe.

I was having a panic attack. I haven't had one in years.

I tried my best to focus on something other than the way my lungs burned with each shallow breath that I took. The radio that was set on a low volume, the way the cab driver tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel along to the beat, the soft hum of the tires rolling over the pavement. Anything, something.

The last time that I had an attack, I was with Nick, and he helped me through it with the way he always kept his composure. He obviously wasn't here, but maybe if I called him, he'd be able to talk me out of it.

And so I did, somehow managing to get my phone out through the tunnel vision I had. He pulled me out of it by the time I made it to the airport. My head was clear, but breathing was still difficult, and during the flight, I started to cough.

-

"Sheesh, what happened to you? Liv give you two black eyes or somethin'?"
I rolled my eyes at Folio's remark, him pointing out how dark the bags under my eyes were. "Yeah, something like that," I muttered, brushing past him to drop my bag at my bunk.