𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙠𝙚𝙙

XXXXXVI

tw: mentions of $u1c1de and mentions of sh 
* 

It's been nearly a year since I last saw Mattheo. I was not doing well. I was reckless and got addicted to anything bad. I was desperate for his touch so I tried to replace it with anybody and everybody. My depression slowly ripped me apart from Regina and Pansy again. Probably also because I showed up drunk to both their dorms and asked to sleep with them. 

In short, I was a fucking mess. And somehow, I got to a point where I was sleeping with Granger. Out of everybody in this fucking world. Her little boyfriend didn't like that very much, but I managed to hide from him. 

I thought for sure that Mattheo had forgotten me by now, and when he sees me, he'd hate my guts, I'd hate me too. School had been very difficult, and I rarely ever made it to class. To think that this was the end had me crying and terrified every night. I needed Mattheo one last time. But I knew that would never happen. I haven't even heard a peep from him in months. 

* 

I was completely caught by surprise when I got a letter delivered to me. I crossed my fingers, hoping it was from Mattheo, though I knew that would be next to no chance. 

* 

Dear Beatrix, 

You need to get out of Hogwarts. By the end of this week. It's going to be extremely dangerous for you to still be there. The only reason I'm warning you is because I can't see you hurt. Even if I really want to see you again. 

Stay safe, 
M.R 

* 

I crumpled the letter with burning anger. Who did he think he was, telling me that he missed me and doesn't want to see me get hurt after months of silence? And he didn't even bother to put his name, just his initials. I went into the common room with the other letters from him I kept, chucking them in the fireplace, watching them burn. 

He can suck my dick. 

I felt a light tap on my shoulder but I didn't bother to turn to see who it was. "What?" I spat. 

"Are you okay?" What kind of fucking question was that? Did I look okay? I stood up and faced the person. A quidditch boy. Of course. Seeing my both angry and sad expression on my face, he turned awkward. 

"I'm fine," I spat. "How old are you?" 

"Sixteen." Great. Only one year of age gap. 

"Wanna fuck?" His eyes went wide with both shock and excitement, as if he's never been laid before. 

* 

I broke down in the middle of the night, the sixth year sleeping on the other side of my bed. How could Mattheo want me? Would he still want me? After all I did? I felt a shift in the bed. 

"What's the matter?" He asked, sitting up. I peeked over my shoulder with tear filled eyes. 

"What's your name?" I sniffed, drying my face with my shirt. 

"Malik," he said, clearing his throat. It was around four in the morning, and both of us probably wanted to go to bed. "Do-do you want me to leave or-?" 

"No," I cut him off sadly. "No, please stay. I just- I can't be alone right now." I shifted back into bed next to him, resting my head on the pillow, wrapping one leg around his. "I'm assuming you're too tired for another round?" I asked. 

"I-I mean, i-if you want to..." 

"No. It's okay. You have boundaries too," I sighed. Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe I needed a break too. He gave me a sweet kiss before resting back to sleep. I haven't had this in a long time. Though it was very comforting, I still got little to no rest. My brain wouldn't stop thinking and it felt as though someone was squeezing my heart, while my stomach was being cut with a bunch of chainsaws. It was not a nice feeling and I didn't know why I had it. 

I left like I had no purpose. I scooted out of bed, making sure not to wake Malik, I didn't want to bother him about something he could do nothing about. Slipping on some pants and a hoodie, I shuffled out, trying to get on my shoes. 

I walked out of the castle, the cold breeze hitting my tired face. The sky was dark and filled with clouds, not a single star in sight, not even the reflection on the moon on the Black Lake. Things have changed so much ever since the Death Eaters basically took over the whole school. 

Trudging around the lake multiple times, I began to wonder. Would anyone ever notice if I was gone? Would they look while I was at the bottom of this lake? My body shook with sobs and fear of my own thoughts. 

I glanced at my wrists. They had scars all over them. I had tried to forget about my pain and Mattheo, but all it did was hurt me more. I didn't like it. Not as much as I did drugs, alcohol, and sex. Though I know nothing would ultimately help, but what else was there to do? 

My thoughts were flooded with painful memories. Why couldn't this all end? I could end it. All by myself. But I wanted to see Mattheo one last time before I did, even if it breaks my heart even more, it wouldn't matter. 

Inching closer to the water, I saw a very vague reflection of myself. It was like looking at a doll that was played with too hard. I squared down lower, brushing my fingers over the water, messing up the reflection. How long would I have to wait for Mattheo to come back? Would he ever? Am I just wasting my time? 

I looked around, but it was silent. Not even a fish in the lake. I cringed as I dipped my feet in the water, hating the feeling of wet shoes and socks. My breath shook as I lowered myself into the Black Lake, pinching my eyes closed before I went completely under. 

My lungs ached for air the longer I stayed underwater.  

* 

"Darling." My eyes ripped open to see a blurry figure in front of me. I reached out my hand but it passed straight through them. "I'm sorry," he said, inching closer. Mattheo. We were standing in a completely empty space, it didn't even look like a room, just an endless hallway of nothingness. 

My filled with tears as my bottom lip quivered. I opened my mouth, trying to form a sentence but no sound came out, I was speechless. I reached out again and cried when I couldn't touch him. I lowered my head, hiding my red face. 

"It's okay," he whispered, lifting my chin up. How come he could touch me but I couldn't touch him? Though he was holding my face, I couldn't feel it. "I'm right here. I'm never leaving." Never? But how did he get back? 

"Is this a dream?" I squeaked, my hands shaking and my legs feeling like jelly. "Please tell me this is..." I stopped, I didn't know if I wanted it to be real or not. 

"It's not real," Mattheo sighed. "Not unless you want it to be." 

"I just want to see you again. I want to feel it when you touch my face or when I hug you," I sniffed, turning my head away, avoiding eye contact. "I miss you, and I'm so sorry. I-I slept-" 

"Wake up." 

"What?" 

"Please. You don't have much time. You have to wake up." The place suddenly started filling up with water. Too late. 

~ ~ ~ 
i. am. sorry. 
please tell me if you guys need someone to talk to <3 
and there are MANY MANY MANY resources for things like mental health 'illnesses' (i hate calling them problems cuz that sounds like a burden) 

ummm but yeah 
what is your favourite book you've read (either on wattpad or an actual book) 
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