Marry. Ride. Love.

Then it's like none of this ever happened

*Valention*

I sat on the sofa and just stared into space. I did not know what to do. I was completely beside myself for days.  And now Pecco had told me that I was about to lose Bella.

And that was exactly what I didn't want. It was exactly the fear that came out of me deep inside, but I hadn't managed to talk to her about what had woken me up that night at the racetrack.

I couldn't tell her what I was seeing again. What was driving me around again. I couldn't.

But I had to. Because if I didn't, she would leave.

And if I lost her...

I heard her footsteps and could see her trying to sneak past me. She was getting out of my way and I barely noticed. Once again, I had closed myself off so much that I hadn't noticed some things. I did it out of self-protection.

"Bella?", I could hear her stop "Can you... Can you sit with me for a moment? I want to talk to you.".

It took a moment, then I heard her come back. She sat down across from me. Choosing the greatest possible distance. I had to swallow. She leaned forward a bit to the table, then there was a clang. I didn't realize until the second moment that she had just put her wedding ring there. She had never done that before. No matter how much we had argued, she had never taken the ring off. I could see her reaching for the necklace on her neck as well, but before she could take that off too, I had jumped up and gone to her.

"Please don't," I gasped, holding her hand tightly.

"I'll give it back to you." she said, her voice dull "Just give me the divorce papers and I'll sign them. You'll be rid of me in the morning.".

I shake my head vigorously "No, please listen to me.".

"Tino, I don't want to hear you ask me for a divorce. I can't do this anymore. I really can't. Please let me have as the last words you said to me this lullaby in my head and not you explaining to me that you are divorcing me. I can't take that.", she had tears running down her face "I love you Tino, but I know it's not enough.", she stood up and was about to leave again.

"Please Bella, listen to me!", she stopped "What happened in the last few days had nothing to do with you.", I took the ring from the table and started to turn it between my fingers. Years later, I still found it incredibly difficult to talk about.
"Marco's death anniversary is approaching and... I'm dreaming about the accident again. I was like... I hit him when he was on the ground. I was..." my voice failed as my body began to tremble "I couldn't dodge anymore and I knew I was killing him. I... I killed him. I took his life. He was my best friend. My brother. And I snuffed out his light forever. I made sure he would never grow old. To have no wife and no children. And every time that day comes closer again then... and now his sister is here and his nephew who looks so much like him and I... I have you and I know that he will never have any of this because it's my fault. If I would have reacted differently then...he should be here in my place.".

I let my head sink forward.

That accident had left an infinitely deep scar. Not visible on the outside, but deep inside me. A scar that would never go away.

I cried as I felt her sit down next to me again and wrap her arms around my body. She pressed against me with all her might "I wish I could take away your pain." she whispered, sliding her head next to mine.

I immediately wrapped my arms around her and pulled her onto my lap. I shouldn't have shut her out. I should have been honest from the beginning. It would have saved us both pain.

"It wasn't your fault, Tino." she whispered "I saw the race then. You never meant to hurt him. You didn't have a chance. And I know it doesn't mean much when I say that, but..."