tw: this will include symptoms of ocd, so if this is a trigger for you, skip this one shot. my dm's are always open if you need anyone to talk to. stay safe <3
for years, ocd has been your worst enemy. first it started with a "if you don't switch that light off and on again something bad will happen" here and there, and now has progressed into an exhausting cycle that is slowly getting better, but there are still bad days where you feel like you can't even get out of bed; unwilling to face the never ending thoughts and compulsions.
It was the evening and you were lying in bed, scrolling endlessly on tiktok, when suddenly, you got a message from matt.
"I'm coming round and I'm bringing mcdonald's, be there in 5 xx"
"shit" you muttered. your whole apartment was a mess. the washing basket was full to the brim of dirty clothes, plates stacked up by the sink - nothing was in the right place.
without responding to matt, you jumped out of bed and immediately headed for the kitchen, cleaning the plates thoroughly and putting them away, careful not to drop them.
take it out and put it back in.
you took the plate out and replaced it.
then you made your way to the dirty clothes. this was the challenge. you grabbed with basket by the edges, careful not to touch the clothes. you loaded them into the washing machine, and then made your way to the sink to wash your hands.
just as you turned the tap on, you heard a knock at the door. you couldn't answer yet.
"love? It's matt, i'm coming in"
your heartbeat was increasing as your breathing became unsteady. you didn't want him to see you like this.
wash your hands again
clean under your nails
make sure you clean up to your elbows.
you were panicking now. tears were slipping steadily from your tired eyes.
"hey baby, here's your mcdonald's" matt said, walking towards you to give the bag of food to you.
are you sure you cleaned under your nails?
"hey, come on love, i think you've washed your hands enough" matt said, rubbing your back.
don't stop yet
he craned his neck around to see your face and saw that you were crying. In an attempt to comfort you, he tried pulling you away from the sink. "come on my love, that's enough now.
"matt stop! just wait a minute" you said, harsher than indented, but it was the ocd that was speaking now.
shocked at how you reacted, matt took a few steps backwards before making his way to sit at the kitchen island.
have you washed your hands? yes
have you cleaned under your nails? yes
did you wash your hands again afterwards? yes
have your cleaned up to your elbows? yes
every compulsion made your eyes well up, threatening to cause a waterfall of pent up emotions. nobody knew about your ocd, and you were not planning on anyone finding out.
until your body unleashed a choked sob, as you finally tuned the tap off and dried your hands using a clean tea towel.
concerned at how much you were now crying, matt got up and walked over to you, grabbing your hands. he observed how they were hot from the boiling water and the ferocious friction of cleaning. how they peeled in-between your fingers from the dryness of over washing. how bubbles remained, travelling up your arms from your brain's incessant need to be 100% clean. and how the parts of you arms where you lower arm meets your upper arm were red raw and dry from not being dried completely.
"matt i-" you started, but the angelic boy that stood in front of you silenced you.
"you don't need to explain, love" he admitted, knowing what was going on. he had already suspected that you may have had ocd as there were some things that were impossible to keep hidden from your boyfriend who spent the majority of his time with you.
his soft hands gently grabbed your face, tilting it up towards his so his icy blue eyes were staring into your glassy ones, your hands wrapped around his wrists.
"it's so hard matt" you admitted, tears falling from your eyes which the boy in front of you was able to quickly wipe away. "I'm sorry you had to see that" you apologized, looking away in embarrassment.
"hey, no, don't apologize baby, I know it's hard, but it doesn't change who you are or how i see you, okay?" he comforted, tucking a piece of you hair behind you ear which made you refocus your attention on him.
his words were causing the tears to fall more rapidly, and your shoulders began to shake, your chest constricting.
"hey, hey it's okay, it's okay, I'm here my love, I'm never going anywhere" matt immediately confirmed, noticing you were getting worked up as he pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you as your body trembled with sobs.
he waited until your cries had ceased before speaking again, as he pulled out of the hug and inspected your red, puffy face.
"come on, let't get you cleaned up and then we can eat our mcdonald's in bed. how's that sound?"
"okay, let's do that." you smiled, grabbing matt's hand as he lead you into your bathroom.
after grabbing a flannel from the cupboard, matt soaked it with warm water, and gently wiped it across your face, soothing your stinging eyes.
once finished, wafted his hands in front of your face, opting to let it air dry in order simultaneously cool you down.
still holding your hand, matt lifted the duvet up and guided you under the covers and then clambered into the bed himself.
he unpacked the mcdonlad's onto the bed as if you were having a picnic, and you both had eaten all the food in no time.
"so what do you wanna do now hmm? matt asked, placing the rubbish on the floor.
"we could watch a film if you want" you replied, although your eyes were telling matt a different answer, as they slowly shut with exhaustion.
"or we could go to sleep? how's that sound" matt suggested, knowing it was what you really desired.
"that sounds good" you lethargically smiled, as you both began to lie down.
matt slipped his arm beneath you, dragging your body into his and you rested your head on his chest and wrapped your arm around his stomach, as he locked you in lace by wrapping his other arm around your back.
it was silent for a while, and matt had thought you had fallen asleep.
"you still love me right?" you asked, barely above a whisper. matt didn't say anything back and feeling stupid for asking, you carried on talking. "i mean i'd understand if you would want to leave honestly, i don't m-"
matt cut you off by placing his lips on yours. "enough of that" he gently scolded.
the room turned silent again, and this time you thought matt had fallen asleep.
"i'll never leave you" matt finally replied
you smiled.
"and i will love you forever" he stated.
"i love you so much, i really do, you know that right?" you asked.
"i do. and i love you so much, do you know that?" he repeated your words.
"i do" you smiled, grabbing his hand and lacing your fingers together, eventually drifting off to sleep.
