So this chapter is kinda sad and very accurate to the way it feels when one breaks down. I wrote this when i had a "moment" as i like to call them like this a week or two ago.
I am dedicating this to my absolute best friend. She has helped me through everything from a broken nail and a petty break up to my own dad dying before christmas.
This one is to you Heidi. I love you, you awkward porkupine!
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Sometimes after you feel under pressure I begin to flounder in my mind, trying to find something to hold on too. It's a bit like a panic attack but not. It's really hard to explain so bare with me!
Okay so imagine a piece of string getting pulled in two opposite directions with such forse that the pressure on the string gets too much and it snaps. Well i'm the string.
The pressure and stress i'm under from my job, argueing with my mother, surviving and the depression from loosing my dad gradually builds up. For a pretty long time i can keep that grin and laugh etched on my face, but it takes it's toll. It starts to slip. Then i smile only when people are looking and that smile disappears as soon as they look away. Then i cant even do that. By then i am about to crash and collapse. By then Max knows and is prepare for the aftermath of the crash.
Eventually, when i can't hold it anymore and something trigers me to collapse. Collapse in agonising angry, confused heart wrenching sobs. Screaming to the stars that i can't take it anymore and trying so desperately to wrip my aching heart out.
After the sobs and cries eventually subside i only resemble an empty shell, a ghost of a person. No emotions reflected from my heart to my eyes. Just emptiness. I am but an egg shell ready to shatter again at any moment.
But i survive. I always do. And that is how this particular build up happened; how i shattered after Louis and Emma left and that is how i will end up.
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As soon as they walked out of the coffee shop door i slid off my chair where we were all sitting onto the floor. Tears pouring down my face like a waterfall. A choked sob manages to escape my lips and that is when i lose it completely.
With that i propell myself from the floor and run into the bathroom. Leaving Harry completely bewildered trailing in my wake.
As i am about to shut the bathroom door a foot blocks it's way. Harry slides through the small gap left and shuts the door behind himself.
By then i have collapsed on the floor rocking backwards and forwards crying and letting out agonising screams of pain. I feel as if my heart is fighting it's way out of my chest to escape. Harry sits next to me and just pulls me onto his lap and cradles me as a cry into his jumper.
Eventually my breaths and sobs slow and stop. I take a deep breath and look up at Harry.
"I'm so so sorry about that, i'm not sure what came over me. I guess that holding in all the pain from my Dad dying really does take it's toll." I sniff
"It's okay, i understand. Sometimes you just need to let it out." He says
After a second i take a deep breath and haul myself up into a standing position with the help of the sink and dust off my jeans.
"Well that put a damper on our date. I'm not doing very well here am i?"
