His beautiful girl

quinze

I wake up because of the sunlight that is shining into my bedroom. I take my phone and look at the time, 9 a.m. I look at my messages and see that my brother had tried to call me 3 times. 

I call him back and he picks up. 'Hey zus, alles oke? Ik wilde gewoon even horen hoe het met je gaat.' (Hey sis, everything okay? I just want to hear how you are.) 'Hey, ja alles wel oke. Ik mis je. (Hey, yes everything is okay. I miss you.) 'Ik jou ook, Ik prober al een tijdje naar Monaco te gaan maar het is hier heel druk.' (Me too, I'm trying to go to Monaco but it's really busy here.) 

I hear someone call his name over the phone. 'Ik moet nu wel gaan, ik bel je nog eens oke. En geef mama en papa een dike kus van Nora en mij. Love you.' (I have to go, I will call you another time okay? Give Mom and Dad a kiss from Nora and me. Love you.) Before I can say something he hangs up and I feel like shit. I miss him so much.

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Sometimes you have days where you think it's not my day. I feel like shit after Jasper hung up so early, my anxiety was really high and I did not want to talk to anyone. I text Lando and Isa I don't feel good and want to be left alone. Before they can respond I put my phone on mute. 

I had my first panic attack when I was 16. It was in the middle of my math exam and I just could not think anymore, I just had shut down. Just on some days or moments, I have that but I have little tricks that can help me calm down. 

Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not work. When I have a panic attack I mostly think about the same things that I'm scared of losing people who I love. I'm scared because I will lose my mom and I lost my friends, my boyfriend, and my brother who is in New Zealand.

In the morning I did my trick and it worked. I tried reading and watching a movie to just keep my mind off it. Sometimes I also go to my mother on those days because she helps me with my anxiety but I just did not have the energy to go to her. But in the noon anxiety, I could not keep it under control. 

I did not want to eat and feel like shit. When it is around 6 pm. I was sitting in the corner of my bedroom for like 4 hours. My panic attack came back and I tried to calm down. 'Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breathe out.' I did that like 20 times but it did not work at all. 

I tried to count from 100 to 0 but that did not work either. I was shaking and felt that I was not going to calm down. I take my phone and I know the person I have to call is Isa but I don't, I call Charles. 

I think because I feel that I can trust him and I feel safe next to him. When I call him it does not take long before he picks up. 'Hey Em.' 'C-Charles. I- I- I need you to come to my apartment. Please...' 'I will be there in 5 don't move.' He says with no further questions which I really appreciate. He hangs up and keeps his word. He knocks on my door in 5 minutes and I yell that the door is open. 

'Emily?' He sees me sitting on the couch and sits next to me. He does not need to ask questions because he can see on my face that I'm anxious. He holds me. 'Close your eyes and listen to my voice. Breathe in and breathe out 30 times.' I do what he says and it calms me down. I think because he is here because I already have tried this but now it works. 

He calms me down and after a while, I'm a bit relaxed and feel the anxiety still a bit but the most is gone. I look at him and he does not look annoyed, he looks worried. 'What happened?' He asks while holding my hand. 'I just- sometimes I have days where my anxiety is very high, like today. And most of the time I have my panic attacks under control but now I just, I just could not do it.' Charles nods and looks at me. I play with the ring I got for my 18 birthday from my brother and I felt better but I'm still a bit scared. 

'Do you want to talk about it? What are you scared of?' I look at him while still playing with my ring. 'Losing people' I say with tears in my eyes. I want to tell him about my call with my brother which made me feel anxious like hell but I just want to cry and I let tears fall. Charles wipes the tears away with his thumb and lets me talk. 'It's just a part of me, I'm an overthinker and that's what I do sometimes.' Charles nods and does not ask any further questions. 

'What about we watch a movie? What about your favorite? What is your favorite movie?' I see what he is doing, trying to take my mind off it and it kind of works. Because he's here, comforting me and I feel much better, I feel safe and understood by him. 'I like purple hearts? But that makes me cry, what about Johnny English?' 'Well then, we watch that.' He says with a smile. 

I blush and nod. He puts on the TV and I grab us some water. It's funny how much impact he has had on my life. I already tried watching a movie or trying to have my breathing under control but I just could not do it. 

He does exactly the same what I tried and it works. I give him the glass of water and he thanks me. I go sit next to him and put a blanket over our bodies. Charles starts the film and we look at the screen. When the movie is starting he puts his arm around me and it makes me feel so warm that I know that I'm blushing. I have already watched that movie over 5 times but I still had to laugh and Charles did too. His laugh is amazing. 

I feel safe and relaxed next to him and his laugh made me also laugh. 'Omg no.' Charles laughs I laugh a bit too and look at Charles. He is still laughing. 'Okay, it's not that funny?' I say a bit weird. 'I know but I just can't stop.' 'Omg, can't you stop laughing?' 'No' Charles is still laughing and I laugh because of him. 'You idiot, stop laughing.' 'I can't.' I laugh white him too but I notice something on his face. 

On the left side of his face, he has a dimple on his face and I think it's really cute. I laugh but eventually Charles can stop laughing. 'You really should not watch Home Alone.' I say teasing him. Charles gives me a smile and I smile back at him. 'You are an idiot Leclerc.' I say while looking back at the screen and returning the movie back to the part we left off.  

Charles puts his arm around me again and we watch the movie further. After debating with myself I put my head on his left shoulder and we just watch the movie without saying something to each other. 

After the movie, I look at him when he turns off the TV. Charles excused him to the bathroom and then I started to overthink everything again. I should not have called him, I should not have bothered him with my problems. God, he's going to think I'm such a baby and a broken mess. He just pitties me, yeah he just pitties me.

'I'm sorry I called you, I should not have bothered you with my problems. I'm so sorry Charles.' When he walks to me. He looked a bit shocked and confused and goes sitting next to me. He takes my hand. 

'Hey, don't feel guilty Em. I'm here for you, I always will.' 'No it's not okay, I bothered you with my problems. You probably had to do a lot of things because the F1 season begins soon and I just called you. I'm so sorry.' I say white tears in my eyes. Charles lets me look at him and before I know it, he kisses me.

I'm surprised but I like it but I don't really know what to do, he pulls back but I don't want the feeling of his lips on mine to stop. I kiss him back and we kiss passionately.